I mean humiliation caused by me. If I were uglier and smellier and fatter my presence there might have been enough, but I couldn't convince myself she was miserable doing it. Meh. Would have been better if I didn't have to pay through my teeth to rough the bitch up, or again if I gave a shit about her.

yeah, waste. It's kind of weird that I'm not satisfied without extremes of either really liking someone or really making them feel like shit.