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So, do you feel that your income or your XPT post count more accurately reflects your self worth?v



Depends on the day.



How so?





I'm proud of the fact that I was able to battle thru my illness, which was misdiagnosed and mis-medicated for decades. I'm proud that I was able to be much more successful than the average "Joe the Plumber", let's say, who had no such major debilitating impediment. So the fact that I earn near max on SSD is a point of pride. [I used to love when I'd hit the paying in max. It was like getting an unexpected raise every year! On the same token, when it would rear its head again in January, it used to suck ass].

The XPT post issue actually bothers me. Really. The fact remains that if I were not so ill, bouncing in and out of hospitals, fighting losing battles with welshing insurance companies and were once again gainfully employed, I would not be on this site. I never would have found it. In the past by the time I "discover" a porn star, she would have been long retired. When I was a productive part of society, I did not have the time or inclination to be obsessed with porn. I would feel worthy to talk and flirt with to real women again.

In all honesty, women find me quite charming. And, although I don't feel the same, black and hispanic women tend to be very attracted to me, even at my present hugeness. I have NO IDEA why. In any case, I'm a voyeur, so all I like to do is flirt anyway. I'm too afraid of disease and passing on my defective genes to actually participate and enjoy it fully.

But, if I were working, at most, porn would return to being a time to time diversion if not all but disappear from my Life as has been true in my past.

Thus the 9k in posts is a point of profound shame. A reinforcement of the fact that I continue to suffer daily merely by living. That it would have been better for me and fairer for the human race if I could somehow trade places with some beloved father of my age lost in the World Trade Center or the mountains of Afghanistan or the deserts of what was once great Babylon.

Every day I still breathe is evidence that if there is a ruler of the Universe, he is more like the Christian's Satan and nothing like the Christ. For no just, loving God would take such beloved and valuable souls and leave my worthless ass behind. But, that shouldn't be a surprise. It is clear from the prayers in religion that God is a sick person with quite the inferiority complex since he needs and requires his imperfect creations to drone on and on about how great he is [allahu akbar] and how "hollowed" his name is [Lord's Prayer] and that he's king of the universe [melech ha'olam], etc.

So depending on how I'm feeling about myself THAT MOMENT, my health and my future, I would feel one of these two more appropriately defines me. It changes by the minute.
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Amo i Gemelli!! wink