Jesus Christ, I spend a lost weekend stuck to the linoleum by an adhesive of my own vomit and look what happens.

What I wouldn't give to eavesdrop on that phone call...

(bring bring)

VO: FBI.

PP: Hello, I'm calling to report a child molester.

VO: Um... The FBI doesn't handle that. We only handle interstate crimes.

PP: But I don't know what state he's in. Except that he's NOT FUNNY!!!

VO: O-kaayy... Let me take down your name.

PP: I am Pussy Power.

VO: Excuse me?

PP: Pussy Power. No, two p's. Well, three. See, I was Lord Byron before--

VO: The poet with a clubfoot?

PP: Yes, quite right. But I couldn't remember my user ID, so now I am Pussy Power. Mister Pussy Power.

VO: Okay, Mr. Power. So where are you calling from.

PP: England.

VO: And how do you know this... What was his name?

PP: Smelly Monkey.

VO: ?

PP: Yes, I know. What a stupid name! And everyone thinks he's funny BUT HE'S NOT FUNNY!

VO: So you're Pussy Power and he's Smelly Monkey.

PP: Well, I used to think he was Jeff. I'm pretty sure he's the Arab, but, wait... I'm getting all confused.

VO: So, Pussy, Mr. Smelly Monkey has molested children?

PP: Yes.

VO: And how do you know this?

PP: Because he said so. There he was, saying so. He also is a gay lover of a well-known porn journalist, Scott Fayner, and at least before the operation he was a slut named Taylor Rain. He also is a serviceman in Iraq, you could maybe get a tip from the military, aye? He made a war with my m8s MattCasey and Dr. Porn, won't forgive him for that one either.

VO: Smelly Monkey assaulted Dr. Porn?

PP: They're well-known journalists here with Lesbian DVD Reviews. Quite brilliant, they're all over the fungal infections in vulvic interaction issue, and the story of porn producers reusing strap-on dildos in cut-rate lesbian productions.

PP: Alrighty then, Mr. Pussy...

VO: Thank you. He must be stopped. He has access to weapons even.

PP: Thank you.

(click)

(agent hangs up phone, writes up report: "Appears Mental.")