My friend Maggie was a junkie. She says one day in Phoenix a guy picked her up, held a pistol to her, and drove to the desert. She wouldn't co-operate with his plans, so he was going to let her out there. She told him you stupid muther fucker, trying to rob a junkie. You are going to have to shoot me or take me back and buy me some heroin, you've fucked around so long now I can't make money to score. Buy me some heroin, and I'll hook you up with people who will teach you how to be a proper stick up man.

He bought her her fix, and he learned how to stick people up.

Later, she had a trick folks called two cups. He told her to go into a diner and get two cups of coffee, and when he went in to get her, she was working on her second cup.

She says she finally gave it up when the cops started stopping her several times a day and handing her job applications. She was afraid of prison.

Wild stories. She was my best ever human friend.

"When does the car make the noise, Maggie?"

"When you drive it."

-Chuck, Vegetarian fanboy