Please....my focus is entirely on curing Limp Willie's Erectile Dysfunction. I have put my career on hold for now. Like that selfless sea captain of the Maersk Alabama, I am only thinking of helping others. Willie's manhood has been pirated by flacidness. His noodle can't canoodle. His pee-pee stays wee-wee.

It's not fair. It's not natural.

Hailey put up with it as long as she could before finding comfort in the arms -- and other regions -- of other men. She sent me this original, untouched photo that Willie defaced in his soft serve rage.