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#411998 - 03/29/09 06:58 PM
Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 09/23/04
Posts: 10321
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Today we went to the mountain foothills to some swanky horse farm/event center for an outdoor wedding. In the couples defense it had been planned for later this spring but due to the grooms fathers illness it had to be moved up several weeks. (He has the C and sadly, probably won't make the original date and ended up missing today due to hospitalization).
So, I can't rag on them about the weather because they had no choice but it was about 45 degrees with a wind gusting to 20 knots, maybe more.
But there is no defending the freaking ceremony itself... after they seated the family and grandparents, and the wedding party and groom had taken their places (everyone is formal, tuxes for the groomsmen and slightly too small for the weather dresses on the bridesmaids and the guests in suits) the fucking bride and her father come riding up to the back of the aisle on god-damned horses. Yep- horses motherfuckers. As we watched them approach I cursed the wind direction because they got to ride up in a headwind. Had the wind been from behind the bride would have had that damned thing blown up over her back and head and we'd have had one hell of a show. She had the train of her dress draped back over the horses ass and tail so I was shivering and praying the horse would raise its tail and take a big shit before she demounted but somehow, it didn't. I thought the odds were good of that happening because I've never seen a horse walk 200 yds without taking a crap.
Anyway, the wedding program was two pages long and the parents Holy-Rollers so I was dreading the worst but it didn't last as long as feared. We couldn't hear anything but I hoped they'd try to do the unity candle shtick as it was scheduled but they wisely just faked it due to the winds- didn't even try to light a candle.
After it was over everyone headed into this huge barn/meeting area with a large banquet room thankfully heated and were served what tasted like Stouffers lasagna and a salad with only two dressing choices: ranch or thousand island both of which looked like they were mixed from powder (I demurred and just put pepper on mine) and some cold rolls with too much garlic.
After suffering through the meal the shitty DJ cranked up, played two wrong songs before selecting the right one for the bride and groom to dance to, and just before it was over the father of the bride came up and "cut in", finished the dance and then had his dance with his daughter. I don't know if it's traditional for the father to cut in like that but it struck me odd- I've always seen it done between songs and I was thinking were I the groom I'd have told him under my breath, "yeah you can cut in but I'll be banging her later tonight".
More silly shit transpired involving the electric slide so we talked to the grooms mom and offered her support with her husband and made our exit.
As we left the barn we were followed out the front door by the bride who walked out to find her new husband smoking a cigarette with his buddies and the poor kid got the first of many bitching-outs to come from his new wife for being outside and neglecting her family and guests. It was awkward and embarrassing and we left.
Sorry for the long post- I don't have a blog and I know better than to bitch to my wife about any wedding we attend that is related to her friends.
On the plus side- the bride was hotter than train smoke. I mean seriously hot. The boy is a little immature yet, and she's a daddy's girl. I give them two years tops.
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#411999 - 03/29/09 09:33 PM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 4257
Loc: Counting Kisses
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I have never been to a wedding. Ever. I missed my all my relatives weddings almost on purpose. After reading your post, I feel, I've made the right decision. I would only go to a wedding if it was a Jewish wedding. What kind of music did they play? Quote:
I know better than to bitch to my wife about any wedding we attend that is related to her friends.
WHAT!? I'm shocked, however it explains alot about you. In a good way. 
_________________________
"Nature already created the perfect dishwasher....its called a woman." - Fiend
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#412000 - 03/29/09 11:08 PM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 09/23/04
Posts: 10321
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The best weddings to attend are Greek, followed by Italians then Episcopalians. Bottom of the list are Baptists as a rule. The Holy-Rollers are too unpredictable to categorize.
The "electric slide" comment should be your clue as to the music. It was country & western oriented though as we were leaving they did have some black dude saying something about getting "funky to the left two steps" then "funky to the right".
I recommend attending weddings as opposed to funerals though the pall of the grooms fathers illness made this one all fucked up. (They hadn't told him how serious his Dad was. His father will likely pass away tomorrow.)
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#412001 - 03/29/09 11:40 PM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 4257
Loc: Counting Kisses
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Yes! Greek.. How could I forget. I have only been to one funeral when I was 3. I don't do family functions. Only mandatory invites to my kid's b-day parties but I am ending that too. I'm going to do trips to amusement parks and that kind of stuff, instead.
I feel for the groom, about his dad. C is for?.. Cirrohsis or Cancer?
He is forever going to associate his wedding day with the death of his father, I'm going to say, I give it 6 months to a year. Tops.
_________________________
"Nature already created the perfect dishwasher....its called a woman." - Fiend
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#412002 - 03/29/09 11:54 PM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 09/23/04
Posts: 10321
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"C" as I used it means cancer. They have a lot working against them.
I wish the horse had taken a dump so when it goes bad they could look back and blame that instead of the death of his father.
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#412003 - 03/30/09 12:02 AM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 4257
Loc: Counting Kisses
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I'm afraid that would only work for the bride. What kind of cancer?
_________________________
"Nature already created the perfect dishwasher....its called a woman." - Fiend
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#412004 - 03/30/09 12:18 AM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 09/23/04
Posts: 10321
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They can't identify where it started. He just got "run down and lost his appetite", thought he was fighting the flu. Went to doctor. Has cancer throughout his lymphatic system. Liver and kidney failure. Inoperable tumor larger than a softball on his colon though they don't say that's the source.
You derailed this thread from a shitty wedding thread but I guess this other baggage is what made it so shitty (for me and them) and no one else was participating anyway. Thanks for playing. Don't ride a horse in your wedding.
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#412005 - 03/30/09 12:41 AM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Max Hardcore Prison Bitch
Registered: 02/06/09
Posts: 274
Loc: My smile invites suspicion as ...
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Quote:
Today we went to the mountain foothills to some swanky horse farm/event center for an outdoor wedding. In the couples defense it had been planned for later this spring but due to the grooms fathers illness it had to be moved up several weeks. (He has the C and sadly, probably won't make the original date and ended up missing today due to hospitalization).
So, I can't rag on them about the weather because they had no choice but it was about 45 degrees with a wind gusting to 20 knots, maybe more.
But there is no defending the freaking ceremony itself... after they seated the family and grandparents, and the wedding party and groom had taken their places (everyone is formal, tuxes for the groomsmen and slightly too small for the weather dresses on the bridesmaids and the guests in suits) the fucking bride and her father come riding up to the back of the aisle on god-damned horses. Yep- horses motherfuckers. As we watched them approach I cursed the wind direction because they got to ride up in a headwind. Had the wind been from behind the bride would have had that damned thing blown up over her back and head and we'd have had one hell of a show. She had the train of her dress draped back over the horses ass and tail so I was shivering and praying the horse would raise its tail and take a big shit before she demounted but somehow, it didn't. I thought the odds were good of that happening because I've never seen a horse walk 200 yds without taking a crap.
Anyway, the wedding program was two pages long and the parents Holy-Rollers so I was dreading the worst but it didn't last as long as feared. We couldn't hear anything but I hoped they'd try to do the unity candle shtick as it was scheduled but they wisely just faked it due to the winds- didn't even try to light a candle.
After it was over everyone headed into this huge barn/meeting area with a large banquet room thankfully heated and were served what tasted like Stouffers lasagna and a salad with only two dressing choices: ranch or thousand island both of which looked like they were mixed from powder (I demurred and just put pepper on mine) and some cold rolls with too much garlic.
After suffering through the meal the shitty DJ cranked up, played two wrong songs before selecting the right one for the bride and groom to dance to, and just before it was over the father of the bride came up and "cut in", finished the dance and then had his dance with his daughter. I don't know if it's traditional for the father to cut in like that but it struck me odd- I've always seen it done between songs and I was thinking were I the groom I'd have told him under my breath, "yeah you can cut in but I'll be banging her later tonight".
More silly shit transpired involving the electric slide so we talked to the grooms mom and offered her support with her husband and made our exit.
As we left the barn we were followed out the front door by the bride who walked out to find her new husband smoking a cigarette with his buddies and the poor kid got the first of many bitching-outs to come from his new wife for being outside and neglecting her family and guests. It was awkward and embarrassing and we left.
Sorry for the long post- I don't have a blog and I know better than to bitch to my wife about any wedding we attend that is related to her friends.
On the plus side- the bride was hotter than train smoke. I mean seriously hot. The boy is a little immature yet, and she's a daddy's girl. I give them two years tops.
I'm not reading all that.
_________________________
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#412006 - 03/30/09 12:46 AM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 09/23/04
Posts: 10321
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Quote:
I'm not reading all that.
You aren't capable.
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#412008 - 03/30/09 01:03 AM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 09/23/04
Posts: 10321
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Yeah don't leave out the whining.
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#412009 - 03/30/09 01:04 AM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 4257
Loc: Counting Kisses
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Don't worry B, I'll more than likely never get married. I fear it would cheapen me.
Did Mr. Hands make an appearance at this wedding?
_________________________
"Nature already created the perfect dishwasher....its called a woman." - Fiend
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#412010 - 03/30/09 02:44 AM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 03/22/07
Posts: 5186
Loc: Joshua Tree National Park
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Bornyo, my niece had an outdoor wedding on Labor Day weekend in 2002. It was at a gazebo in a little veterans memorial section of the city park. There was a WWII era tank on one side of the gazebo and a Vietnam era helicopter on the other. For chairs they used haybales with either sheets or tablecloths over the top of them. It was at least 95 degrees that day with the same type of wind you experienced. They had some three year old kid as the ring bearer. The best man pulled him up to the altar in a little red wagon. It was also weird because her grandfather (my father) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a couple of months before. Doctors could not get all of it and he died about six months later but he may have not even made the wedding without the operation. I sat next to one of my uncles who took a walk for exercise every day and seemed healthy as a mule. Two weeks later while he was unloading groceries on his kitchen table he had a heart attack and was dead by the time he hit the floor. This marriage lasted maybe three years.
_________________________
I would eat Allie Sin's asshole until I got an emotion out of her.-Jerkules
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#412011 - 03/30/09 03:41 AM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Human Garbage
Registered: 05/08/07
Posts: 1681
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I hate attending weddings. Too much drama, asskissing and people generally not being themselves. I prefer funerals. At least you know how they end in the long run. As a smoker, however, I approve of outdoor weddings.
_________________________
There's not a woman alive who has not wanted to be treated like a whore. It's in their genes.
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#412014 - 03/30/09 01:33 PM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Fucking Master
Registered: 02/23/05
Posts: 3724
Loc: Paddling my canoe in the wild
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A female acquaintance of mine told me about her wedding.
She never really got along with her new father-in-law. He was very old school and she was a professional school graduate and looked forward to a promising career. It didn't help that the old man was also a serious alchoholic.
During the dance between the bride and groom, the visibly drunk father-in-law cut in and twirled around the dance floor with his son's new wife. Then he grabbed her ass and french kissed her lustily in front of the whole wedding reception, staggered off and puked on the head table, as she burst into tears.
Surprisingly the marriage didn't last. True story.
_________________________
You're all still alive?
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#412018 - 04/01/09 09:28 AM
Re: Outdoor Wedding
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 4257
Loc: Counting Kisses
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Thanks to this thread I keep having nightmares I get married. 
(No I don't ride a horse in the wedding)
Edited by electrostatic (04/01/09 09:29 AM)
_________________________
"Nature already created the perfect dishwasher....its called a woman." - Fiend
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