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Today we went to the mountain foothills to some swanky horse farm/event center for an outdoor wedding. In the couples defense it had been planned for later this spring but due to the grooms fathers illness it had to be moved up several weeks. (He has the C and sadly, probably won't make the original date and ended up missing today due to hospitalization).

So, I can't rag on them about the weather because they had no choice but it was about 45 degrees with a wind gusting to 20 knots, maybe more.

But there is no defending the freaking ceremony itself... after they seated the family and grandparents, and the wedding party and groom had taken their places (everyone is formal, tuxes for the groomsmen and slightly too small for the weather dresses on the bridesmaids and the guests in suits) the fucking bride and her father come riding up to the back of the aisle on god-damned horses. Yep- horses motherfuckers. As we watched them approach I cursed the wind direction because they got to ride up in a headwind. Had the wind been from behind the bride would have had that damned thing blown up over her back and head and we'd have had one hell of a show. She had the train of her dress draped back over the horses ass and tail so I was shivering and praying the horse would raise its tail and take a big shit before she demounted but somehow, it didn't. I thought the odds were good of that happening because I've never seen a horse walk 200 yds without taking a crap.

Anyway, the wedding program was two pages long and the parents Holy-Rollers so I was dreading the worst but it didn't last as long as feared. We couldn't hear anything but I hoped they'd try to do the unity candle shtick as it was scheduled but they wisely just faked it due to the winds- didn't even try to light a candle.

After it was over everyone headed into this huge barn/meeting area with a large banquet room thankfully heated and were served what tasted like Stouffers lasagna and a salad with only two dressing choices: ranch or thousand island both of which looked like they were mixed from powder (I demurred and just put pepper on mine) and some cold rolls with too much garlic.

After suffering through the meal the shitty DJ cranked up, played two wrong songs before selecting the right one for the bride and groom to dance to, and just before it was over the father of the bride came up and "cut in", finished the dance and then had his dance with his daughter. I don't know if it's traditional for the father to cut in like that but it struck me odd- I've always seen it done between songs and I was thinking were I the groom I'd have told him under my breath, "yeah you can cut in but I'll be banging her later tonight".

More silly shit transpired involving the electric slide so we talked to the grooms mom and offered her support with her husband and made our exit.

As we left the barn we were followed out the front door by the bride who walked out to find her new husband smoking a cigarette with his buddies and the poor kid got the first of many bitching-outs to come from his new wife for being outside and neglecting her family and guests. It was awkward and embarrassing and we left.

Sorry for the long post- I don't have a blog and I know better than to bitch to my wife about any wedding we attend that is related to her friends.

On the plus side- the bride was hotter than train smoke. I mean seriously hot. The boy is a little immature yet, and she's a daddy's girl. I give them two years tops.

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