Simple flow chart for winning an Oscar.

Do you have a penis?

Yes-play a homosexual or a retard, better yet play a retarded homosexual.

(Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, Phillip Seymour Hoffman[in this case Heath Ledger picked the wrong year to play a gay guy], William Hurt, Dustin Hoffman, even fricking Cliff Robertson)

No-play a whore.

(Claire Trevor,Donna Reed, Elizabeth Taylor, Jane Fonda, Mira Sorvino, Kim Basinger, Charlize Theron{ugly whore works even better})

If you can't play these parts go for drunk and/or handicapped.


(Jamie Foxx, Al Pacino[does anyone seriously think Scent of a Woman is his best performance?], Nicolas Cage, Kevin Spacey [fake handicapped is close enough], Robert Duvall, Marlee Matlin, Daniel Day-Lewis, John Mills, Jon Voight, Patty Duke, Lee Marvin, Shelley Winters, Humphrey Bogart, Ray Milland, Harold Russell, Jane Wyman, Thomas Mitchell)