If you're going to convert all your wealth to gold, be sure to purchase actual, physical gold which you can take somewhere safe (ha ha!) and store for safe keeping. These days, this might be a heavy vault in the basement of your home -- assuming you own and know how to use a gun. Otherwise, it's not smart to have your wealth piled up, Scrooge McDuck style, in your home.

Gold bars and coins only. Places that sell you "gold-equivalent certificates" entitling you to claim bullion in their vault might as well be First Bank of Madoff.

As for me, so long as my law firm continues to employ me, I'm converting my wealth to cocaine up the nose and time spent with whores. That black ass up above is mighty enticing. After I get the sack, I'll be working the window at In-N-Out with the other laid-off securitization attorneys. (No, I'm not in securitization practice, but my skills are in less demand these days...)