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cake mixer. every woman loves getting a sturdy kitchen appliance on the big day.




butt plug. when the relationship is already three weeks in and she still hasn't given up the ass, it's time to drop the hint, along with a head's up you only ask nice once.




another woman. nothing spices up the bedroom like a threesome, but soften her up with a gentle reminder you're doing this for her.




breast implant sizer. not that you expect her to get implants, but she'll definitely like the idea of knowing what an upgrade to her fried eggs might look like.




the great american snuff film, DVD. the perfect curling up with a warm blanket on a rainy sunday kind of movie. "two cleavers up - way up! -MK-77"




abortion gift card.




stainless steel toilet brush. beautiful. "but it's stainless steel, baby."

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^This would be the ultimate gift basket! If only I knew a man brave enough to actually get me this. I usually tend to have more balls than the guys I date. Also I have a fear of commitment so the divorce papers would never be necessary. Do the mixer and the plug come in a matching set???...

I also need some kind of mood altering substance... But if it HAS to be alcohol, Rolling Rock is the way to go.