Whenever February 14th rolls around, restaurants fill up with lovebirds out for the obligatory "romantic dinner." Women can be seen smiling and looking over the menu, while men assume that crestfallen gaze of a beaten dog. Valentine's Day is also the time for the
romantic gift, a.k.a. "the cost of doing business", for men that have so little game that having one boring lay locked in for another year is better than the thought of trying to talk up strangers, much less being alone with only lotion and a gym sock for the evening.
Now is the time for an exchange of gift ideas. Most of us haven't a clue, so if you've got one let's hear it.
cake mixer. every woman loves getting a sturdy kitchen appliance on the big day.
stainless steel toilet brush. beautiful.
"but it's stainless steel, baby."
butt plug. when the relationship is already three weeks in and she still hasn't given up the ass, it's time to drop the hint, along with a head's up you only ask nice once.
divorce papers. there's no bigger i love you than serving her papers on valentine's day.
keyboard logger. but you'll tell her it's a typing tutor program. got it?
gym membership. she'll never use it, but she'll appreciate the hint.
diet pills. because lifting pills is easier than lifting weights. all else fails, grind em up and mix it into her favorite five gallon drum of ice cream. two steps back, but one step forward.
another woman. nothing spices up the bedroom like a threesome, but soften her up with a gentle reminder you're doing this
for her.
a one way bus ticket. to anywhere.
home paternity test. not that you don't trust her, but your kid was born with a hint of asian, and lucky lee's pool service really kept that pool clean over the summer.
breast implant sizer. not that you expect her to get implants, but she'll definitely like the idea of knowing what an upgrade to her fried eggs might look like.
the great american snuff film, DVD. the perfect curling up with a warm blanket on a rainy sunday kind of movie. "two cleavers up - way up! -MK-77"
anger management for dummies. because she's always angry, and calling triple-AAA once a month proves she's a fucking dummy that can't manage to stop locking her keys in the car. do they know her?
abortion gift card.
yard renovation supplies. for that big project you promised to help her with in the backyard.
But if it HAS to be alcohol, Rolling Rock is the way to go. 
This just in, beheading, on, tonight, but not that head, silly, I would like to keep that one, ON his shoulders. 
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