Like many other great Hollywood actors, I have put on some weight for an upcoming role. It's for SHE IS HALF MY AGE #50 (THE GOLDEN ANNIVERSARY EDITION). Thank you for noticing my devotion to my craft....services.

After the stock market meltdown last year, I decided to put my money into Krispy Kreme. Not the stock....the donuts. My porfolio consists mainly of sugar and cake. I remade BAKER'S DOZEN at a considerable discount to the original.

I am launching a new site called www.loadMYmouth.com in which the women will feed me ho hos.

But seriously, I am unemployed and Jeff has been overpaying me with ridiculously large royalty checks. My Swiss bank account is too full now so he is paying me in Toblerone bars.

I am a victim of my own success, it seems. Besides, if you haven't eaten Beluga caviar off a whore's asscrack on the deck of a private yacht off the French Riviera, you haven't lived.

Anchors away, my friend. I am the real Capt. Stabbin, proving it at each meal as I stab the filet mignon with my fork.