Max might have a lot of time on his hands in the coming months. If he does, I know a sure-fire way to make the time tick away very quickly: by authoring an autobiography. And every self-biographer these days always has a ghost-writer. I believe I am perfect for the job, and I humbly offer my services to Mr. Max.

My qualifications:

1. I'm not in porno, which means I can read, write, and put multivariate concepts together very easily.

2. I have an English degree from a prestigious college. And it wasn't Yale, so you won't get any postmodern, deconstructive bullshit.

3. I wrote a 150-page monograph on the effects of using deconstructive literary criticism to analyze Milton's "Paradise Lost" (See #2)

4. I know a little about porn. Not as much as Luke Ford, but then again, I'm not Luke Ford (at least you don't suspect I am).

5. If I need more information, I do have Luke Ford's home phone number (See #4).

6. I don't know Max personally, but I have met Max in person. This means I will be impartial.

7. I promise not to reveal any prison butt-sex secrets that might come up.

8. I will seek out a major publisher for the work, not some douchebag self-printing house. I've been published before, so I know people in the industry.

9. I'll send any of Max's property tax payments to the L.A. County Treasurer free of charge. So he won't have to rely on a porno whore like Layla to keep the house in his name.

10. I will not participate, nor report on, any Max conjugal visits with teh whorez.

If anyone knows how to contact him directly, please ask that he e-mail me before he hits the clink. I'm sure it will be a light-duty incarceration, but you gotta have something to do while you are there.

I know this will sell.

Please post your monograph one page at a time on a weekly basis.

Just for the record, does having your letter published in Penthouse Forum qualify as having been "published"?

1. OK, but I doubt...highly...that you will understand even the abstract. After all, you are Brendan Irons...owner of the most adolescent mind in porno.




2. Only if you are Tom Byron. You are no Tom Byron, so back to elementary school with you.

3. You only know what a "monograph" is becauseL (i) you either responded to it without knowledge, or (ii) you used wikipedia, didn't you? (leans back )

That sound promising Willie. Good idea.

Milton would be proud......of himself. He wrote Paradise Lost.

You.....you wasted a tree.

Sorry Brendan, that would be reader-response criticism, something like Northrop Frye. I told you this was a subject beyond your means. Jacques Derrida, Paul deMan, J. Hillis Miller, etc., etc., admit it. Write a letter to Jenny Padova, she went to UCLA where Miller teaches now, maybe she can help you.

Says the guy who wrote it as "Paradise Lose "...

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3. I wrote a 150-page monograph on the effects of using deconstructive literary criticism to analyze Milton's "Paradise Lose" (See #2)

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I'm not falling for that again. Last time Willie told me to meet me in a bathroom, he started tapping his shoes under my stall in some weird code and asking if I thought this cartoon was "funny."


My face flushed before I could do the same to that commode. I ran -- not walked -- away, leaving behind 2 things both full of shit.

No thanks, Limp Willie. Please stop PM'ing me asking if it's ok for you to give me "mono." I am not sure if you are referring to your monograph or something more sinister.

I'm not interested.

Thanks for missing the story, Brandon Irons, you too funneeeeeee dummeeeeeeee.

I spoke with Max earlier today. Not kidding.
He is hoping to do a fund raiser in the next couple of weeks.
Listen, I want to help you get this writing gig. I really do. Can you start by posting the rest of your monocle? Is there an executive summary somewhere, too? I want to go see Motley Crue at the Palladium tonight and don't have time to wade through your disappointing dissertation. Gov. Palin rejected that bridge to nowhere and I'm rejecting your monorail to nowhere, too.

Brandon:

I doubt you spoke to Max, listing your towering grammatical incompetence as proof. And why are you going to see such a dated musical performance? When you get your vowels together, send me another message. Remember, you're a moderator now, you are held to a higher standard.

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I'm not falling for that again.

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So you're admitting you had gay sex in a bathroom??? Thanks for the info, Brandon.