Max might have a lot of time on his hands in the coming months. If he does, I know a sure-fire way to make the time tick away very quickly: by authoring an autobiography. And every self-biographer these days always has a ghost-writer. I believe I am perfect for the job, and I humbly offer my services to Mr. Max.

My qualifications:

1. I'm not in porno, which means I can read, write, and put multivariate concepts together very easily.

2. I have an English degree from a prestigious college. And it wasn't Yale, so you won't get any postmodern, deconstructive bullshit.

3. I wrote a 150-page monograph on the effects of using deconstructive literary criticism to analyze Milton's "Paradise Lost" (See #2)

4. I know a little about porn. Not as much as Luke Ford, but then again, I'm not Luke Ford (at least you don't suspect I am).

5. If I need more information, I do have Luke Ford's home phone number (See #4).

6. I don't know Max personally, but I have met Max in person. This means I will be impartial.

7. I promise not to reveal any prison butt-sex secrets that might come up.

8. I will seek out a major publisher for the work, not some douchebag self-printing house. I've been published before, so I know people in the industry.

9. I'll send any of Max's property tax payments to the L.A. County Treasurer free of charge. So he won't have to rely on a porno whore like Layla to keep the house in his name.

10. I will not participate, nor report on, any Max conjugal visits with teh whorez.

If anyone knows how to contact him directly, please ask that he e-mail me before he hits the clink. I'm sure it will be a light-duty incarceration, but you gotta have something to do while you are there.

I know this will sell.