The last time you bragged about having a rice burner, you were celebrating your purchase of a used wok at a garage sale in Chatsworth.

I'm glad you are now employed and off food stamps. I salute your courage, too, in not being ashamed for mistakenly eating all those stamps when you first qualified. They were meant to be taken to grocery stores, not microwaved. Your glue-like diarrhea was no laughing matter. When that Salvation Army outreach worker called you the stupidest person on earth, I defended your honor by biting my tongue. Not many people would have cleaned and licked stamps that came out of their own butt. You are a brave soul.

You are not the idiot everyone thinks you are.

By the way, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you this past week about investing in the stock market. I thought you were joking when you left that message about buying Lehman Brothers. It was obvious to me that in no way did you think you were purchasing actual men. Let your critics snicker behind your back, man. You're a misunderstood, incontinent genius.

And about your alternative request to buy Goldman's Sack.....uh, all I could find was Goldman Sachs. You are one kinky fucker, I'll admit that. Mort said you should drop by his pharmacy to pick up your penicillin, too.