For SPR in regards to her fear of rodents.

Hamsters Are Everywhere......
Odorless, Tasteless, Invisible, Highly Trained and Insidious:
These hamster-assassins are dark stalkers of evil.

Hamsters see your every move waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
Useful Hamster Survival Tips:
i. Don't converse aloud with those around you (use sign-language or semaphore or smoke signals or something, whatever you feel most comfortable with will be fine), the hamster will think you're teaming up on it
ii. Don't have parties, if the hamster finds out it has not been invited it will think that it is unpopular and become enraged
iii. Don't stare at any visible hamsters, hamsters hate to lose staring contests
iv. Don't stare at the sun......
v. Don't loot dead hamsters, hamsters need their earthly possessions in the underworld
vi. Don't run around saying "Woo! Look at me, I am a hamster and boy am I tough! Woo!" while waving your arms around; obviously this is abrasively insulting to the hamsters
vii. Don't derive or integrate complex functions while hamsters are watching, they will covet your intellect. Especially not cosecants, hamsters hate cosecants.

If you or anyone you know thinks you have seen a hamster: You/They haven't!

If you or anyone you know when asked if they can dance replies "I used to could so I reckon I might could again if I tries," You/They can't!

Same Deal

Unfortunately such measures above offer only limited protection from hamsters.
Only a SkuzzCo Amulet of Hamster Warding is active as a COMPLETE ANTI-HAMSTER DEFENSIVE MATRIX
For your absolutely FREE SkuzzCo Amulet of Hamster Warding
Send $36.98 shipping and handling (Non-Refundable) to:

Skuzzball the Talismonger
465 Hasbrook Lane, Toronto, ON 7H5 J4B
or call: (416) HAM-STER
Romans, please call (IV-I-VI) IV-II-VI-VII-VIII-III-VII

Just listen to our customers:

"I bought a SkuzzCo Amulet of Hamster Warding and I have never been attacked by a hamster since" - Wayne Gretzky

"I...really...like...it. [SkuzzCo Amulet of Hamster Warding]" - Bill Clinton

"911 doesn't respond to in home hamster attacks, and insurance no longer covers Syrian-shadow-stalker related hospital bills, it just wasn't fair. Until I got my SkuzzCo Amulet of Hamster Warding!" - Anonymous Fed Up Hamster Victim