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Category: Life

I've been somewhat obvlious to my life lately. Have not been working, in any capacity, have been spending a little more money than necessary these past few weeks...namely since my birthday...which is somewhat understandable. However, I've not been overly wasteful, though. Which is a major contributing factor to my dismay. I'm completely overwhelmed at this point, seemingly with few means by which to rectify my situation.

Most of my woes are financial-related at this point. The tumultious state of the economy has affected the businesses in which I've found myself. I recently 'retired' from porn, yet am facing the truth I may have to enter that industry once again. If I do return to shooting, you shan't see me in anymore hardcore b/g scenes, however, I may have to start doing girl/girl as I've not been getting any solo, softcore or mainstream work. I really do not want to return to the porn industry, yet see myself with few other options at this point.

Another complicating factor in the whole situation is the makeup school, MUD (Makeup Designory) which I attended over the summer. I recetnly applied for my certificate, only to recieve an email saying I had indeed failed the course due to a lack of attendence. I did show up late a few more times than desired, I guess. Apparently, I have until the 26th to make up the 8 or so hours needed to recieve the certificate, which I may go and investigate doing tomorrow. This, however, is not the main cause of my discontent, as much as is the fact I wasted about three or four-thousand dollars on the class, only to learn I really have no interest, whatsoever, in doing makeup professionally. However, there unfortunately, is absolutely nothing which I can do to revert that decision.

My life seems to all to often be dominated by a sense of disarray and confusion, on my part, which have reached hyperbolic perportions lately. I had been planning on attending UCLA this winter or next year in pursuit of psychiatry...however, have since learned that due to the pathetic state of the economy, student loans are no longer offered. So...hence is another problem. I only hope that I can, at some point in the not too distant future, I can find a way to follow my passions professionally and do something that actually fucking makes me happy in some way, shape or form. That, however, seems an always daunting task. So, for now...I'm going to sit here, wallowing in my quandry of stress and sorrow, watch my DVR'd program about one of my favorite subjects, the history of Colombian organized crime and probably spit out some more of my literary musings as writing often seems to be my only gratifying form of self expression.

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