This rant is the fucking truth.

I FUCKING HATE GROUP DINNERS.

Let me tell you something. There is no way to enter into a group dinner without somehow managing to get completely fucked. Take it from someone who knows. Group dinners are usually arranged by a female, usually a friend of some girl you’re trying to nail. And that friend will pick a restaurant without any fucking regard as to where you live or what your salary is. “Oooh, there’s a hot new restaurant on Ellis Island that only serves caviar and Kobe beef! Let’s go there!”

The restaurant will be loud. You won’t be able to hear a goddamn thing. And you will be seated, invariably, next to most socially awkward people at the table. You’ll crane your neck to look down the table, seeing the people at the other end engaged in a compelling conversation. Meanwhile, you’re stuck with some asshole who’s talking about the repairs he’s making to his fucking house. I’m 31 now. People my age talk about their fucking houses ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.

“Well, when we moved in, the basement was just a wreck! So we wanted to install carpet and maybe add a sectional. But then the contractor had to rip out all this mold! And you wouldn’t believe how much the plumber wanted to charge to install a half-bathroom! There’s also been a history of flooding down there, you know…”

DIE.

The only thing worse than people talking about their kids, or their jobs, is them talking about their fucking houses. I don’t give a fuck about your house. It’s just another fucking house like every other house. It’s got a bed, a kitchen, a TV, and your stash of child porn hidden in the attic. BOTTLE IT, FUCKO.

The worst part of a group dinner is that I can’t order my own shit. No, they gotta order apps “for the whole table”. Did I want artichoke dip? No, I did not. Artichoke dip is fucking horrible. One time I went to a group dinner and the “host” ordered apps and entrees for everyone WITHOUT FUCKING ASKING ANYONE WHAT THEY WANTED. Hey cockhead, did I ask for stewed chickpeas? Take this and shove it up your gaping asshole.

Ever have to go to a group dinner at a tapas restaurant? It’s agony. You order a shrimp app, and they bring out 5 shrimp for a fucking table of 8. I’ve gone to tapas restaurants, plunked down $45, and taken a grand total of five bites. Hey Spain, if you want to starve to death, you go right ahead. The rest of us like fucking eating more than a pea for dinner. You bullfighting queers. Mata-WHORES.

The disparity in consumption also outrages me. I order a $5 beer. The jackass across the way orders a fucking $17 appletini. Or some bitch always ALWAYS orders a pitcher of sangria. If there’s white sangria on the menu for $10 more, they’ll order that. They’ll order it “for the table”. Ever pour a pitcher of anything for eight people? You get three milliliters of fluid. FUCK YOUR FRUITY WINE DRINK.

If everyone’s having just entrees, some moron will always fuck it up by ordering an app, thus driving up the tab AND making the rest of the table wait longer for the goddamn food. If I order a $15 entrée, someone else will invariably order the Chateaubriand with foie gras. No one wants to stick around for dessert, but some idiot will always pipe up, “Ooh! I just HAVE to look at the dessert menu!”

And once the tab arrives, it’s automatically assumed that the tab be SPLIT EQUALLY. Hey host lady. You see those seven daiquiris on the tab? Those are your problem. I’m not paying for that shit. Yet if I bitch about this, I’m somehow a cheap asshole. What the fuck?

Worst of all, when the tab arrives, someone ends up having to do the math to figure out how much everyone owes plus tip. Only they have to make sure Jimmy only pays for his drinks, because he showed up late and didn’t eat anything. Then that person’s gotta explain it all to the waiter, only the waiter is nowhere to be found, so they have to explain it to the busboy, who only speaks a rare Peruvian dialect.

And guess who always gets stuck with this task?

And for you people who like to order coffee at the end of a meal: EAT A PILE OF SHIT. It’s 10PM. What the fuck do you need coffee for? Order a straight bourbon like the rest of the civilized world. When I go to a group dinner, I am ALWAYS the first person to stand up, as a way of signaling to people that it’s time to end the meal. Otherwise, people just sit there for time eternal. God dammit.

No more group dinners, people. Okay? If you want to eat in large groups, throw a Bar Mitzvah. Otherwise, we’re all going to Super Chicken. Pay at the register for your own crap. Shithead.

Group dinners are worse than the Holocaust.

^^^Post of the motherfucking week, blnmike.

I hate group dinners. Anything more than a few people around food grosses me the fuck outand I hate how close people have to sit together to fit at the table. I have a running tally in my head the entire time, each time someone orders something. It's always exponentially way more than the 1 drink, 1 appetizer, and entree that I ordered. I always get placed next to some annoying guy because my friends decide he's single, too! For the next two hours I'm trapped next to Mr. 'Would it kill you to smile, Gia?' I don't know, asswipe? Would it kill you to do some sit-ups? On CXXX's blog, they play credit card roulette. Fuck that! I'm way too chicken.

The people who use the "let's divide equally" line alway order twice as much shit as everyone else and expect the rest of the table to subsidize their gluttony. One person once said to the group: "Don't be like old bittys figuring out the splits, let's just divide it equally." That works great with my $15 chicken versus their $40 lobster dish, fucker. Needless to say, I don't do dinner with that person in a group anymore.

The fun part is this person loves to call the waiter boss or chief, quizzes them endlessly about their career objectives, has them running ragged getting water, bread, etc and then tips 15% before the tax. This person always eats out and wants me to go, but I find such behavior embarrassing.

I vividly remember one huge argument at Buca de Pepo (is that how you spell it). It's a chain Italian "family style" restaurant where everybody is supposed to split the entree's. I had spaghetti, bread and two beers. The "table" ordered several bottles of wine. The bill split up 8 ways was $70 each. Fuck that!! My bill was maybe $30 if I tipped big. My girlfriend at the time and I threw down $80 and said "that's it". We were never invited out with those people again.

I agree.

Fuck you, Panzer. You don't even tip. The worst is when you all chuck in and then somebody says "that's too much!" (usually a broad).What the fuck do you care, bitch? Your money is already in. Let the rest of us waiters chuck in to cover your cheap cunt ways. The money in there is not yours, keep your hands out...

I also mind if my share is only like 60.00 bucks and people order the lobster thermidore w/a surf and turf on the side and Perignon/Krystal Champ. and all I ordered was a shrimp dish and a cold beer. Im not cheap but why the fuck should I pay for your dinner, I didnt invite you. If I did, then order whatever the fuck you want, but I didnt invite you out.

i sympathize with you all, but i'm mostly just jealous that all of you have so many friends. so does that make it empathy instead of sympathy because i like totally cannot relate? i must really suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk