Dear Mr. Steward (and associate cretins),
While I am deeply touched by your offer of this most excellent t-shirt, and am greatful to JM for all the joy and nightmares they've given me over the years, I'm afraid I just cannot send you my address. You see, I am a pillar of my community and am very respected and loved. I simply cannot take the chance that my true identity be associated with Gag Factor. If word were to get out in my hometown, it would undoubtedly turn my community UPSIDEDOWN.

Thanks,
simp