Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength
and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two
candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together
until one of them inevitably cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat
the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer
blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a
race cannot survive long in the intense coliseum of competition that is the modern
fast-paced candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter
than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions
it gives the candy extra strength. In this fashion, the species continues to adapt to
its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd.
Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope
and send it to:

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 USA

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 lb.
bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the
upcoming weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will
discover the True Champion. There can only be one."