Several years ago I was living with an ex-girlfriend and we planned an amazing Christmas feast. Fuck my ass, the oven broke that day, leaving me with four stovetop burners to prepare food for her and three of her family members.

I checked the fridge and saw that my beer supply was hearty, so I fired up the barbecue and dismantled the turkey with a large knife. I stayed outside in a blizzard until the turkey was cooked and so was I.

This turned out to be the best holiday meal I've ever cooked, and it became a tradition. The past two Christmases have been happily spent with my wife on the patio grilling and carrying on as if it was still summer. I think last year I was even wearing my shorts.

Sadly, this cooking ritual has come to an end this year. My wife has strepthroat and can't be out in the cold. We're moving it inside and now I have to remember how to roast a turkey.

Picked up the last of the groceries just before hitting the beer store. I'm just priming the pump with a few beers before I head into the kitchen to get a jump on tomorrow's feast. This year's menu is:

Turkey roasted on a bed of vegetables
Chestnut and fresh herb stuffing
Sour cream and cream cheese mashed potatoes
Pan gravy with porcini mushrooms
Apricot glazed ham
Embutido (Filipino pork roll)
Bacon wrapped stuffing balls
Cranberry sauce with port, clovs, currants and raisins
Mashed turnip and acorn squash
Candied carrots and green beans
Flan

I hope the rest of you fuckers have as much fun in the kitchen this Christmas as I will. And I'm pretty sure the cure for strepthroat is a good throatfucking.