Quote:

In a just and kind world she would have snapped and killed Dr. Phil.



Fake Dr. Phil Diary from Canada's National Post:

MONDAY

Well, here we go again. It's the end of the year, the therapist's silly season, and my phone is ringing like Satan's fire alarm. You know what my grandpappy used to say about New Year's? He said if he wanted to wear a funny hat, stay up late, get drunk and talk about all the stuff he really should do but wasn't gonna, he would have become a preacher. I'm not sayin it's bad to set goals. All I'm sayin is a resolution won't stop you taking a big ol' swan dive into Lake Jackass. It's like I was telling Britney Spears today, when she called for some advice. "Look," I said. "Sometimes you make the right decision, and sometimes you make the decision right. You chose door number two, sweetie, and you can't change what you don't acknowledge. It's time to get real, Britney... Britney! You can't hear me if you're cryin." She sniffled a bit, then paused. "It's just so unfair, y'all," she said. "I ain't no train wreck."
TUESDAY

I cannot stand people who drink and drive. What are they thinking? It's like going to a birthday party without a present. It starts out fine, and you're thinking you're gonna get away with it, but sooner or later your number comes up, and you panic and do something stupid. And then it's BAM! A one-way ticket to the ol' Nincompoop Pines Resort and Spa, and they've got you booked for a five-year stay. I was making this point to Mischa Barton, who just got busted. "Mischa," I said. "Life is a marathon, but you're running it like it's the hundred-yard dash. You have to slooooooow doooooown. But I want you to know that if you want help, I'm gonna be behind you the whole way, riding on the turnip truck, passing out the sarsaparilla, darn tootin."

WEDNESDAY

David Hasselhoff called today. He couldn't really say much, so I started. "What do you do, David, when you do what you do?" No answer. "You know what I think? I think you're the referee in a cage match between Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels. Sound familiar? Now, you need to listen to fate because fate is listening to you. And you know what it's hearing? It's hearing farts, David, because you're eating all those hamburgers and drinking all the time. Do you know what happens when fate hears you farting?" He managed an answer this time. "No, it doesn't fart back," I said. "Fate isn't a boozing numbskull like you. No. It backs away and leaves you alone. Stinky, drunk and alone."

THURSDAY

Took some Dr. Phil time today. Went for a walk, had a nap, then out for some Chinese food. Combo number seven, the widowmaker, with extra chilies. I was so stuffed I could barely eat my fortune cookie, but my momma didn't raise no quitters. It said: "Happiness is not getting what you want. It's wanting what you get." Dammit, that's mine! Somebody's gonna get sued.

FRIDAY

Oprah called today, hyperventilating. I was busy, but I kind of owe her. "Put down the chicken wing, honey," I said. "And the Snickers, too. Back away slowly. You don't want to go there. You know you're like Tatiana the tiger around that stuff. Get hold of one little drumstick, and suddenly you're on a rampage. Now, tell me what happened." It was a fight with Stedman. Didn't need a crystal ball for that one. I've always said that guy is crooked as a bucket of snakes, slippery as a frozen banana peel, weaselly as Courtney Love's winter coat, shifty as a keyboard factory at quittin time...

Anyway, I told her to cut him some slack. Perfectionism itself is an imperfection, because life is like an onion. If you keep peeling back the layers, looking for the best part, you'll wind up with a big mess and no more onion.

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