i am an insomniac, meaning i don't sleep. instead, i write. so here goes.

go ahead, rag on me all you want. i'm not really going to look at this after i write it...so dig up pictures from 3 years ago, 10 years ago, make fun of my fluff (i never posted here trying to be considered "hot:") when you go through a public divorce, an addiction/alcoholic problem, and a public meltdown (sorry, you're all about 3 years late) then go ahead and talk shit to me. until then, this is all i have to say...

plenty of you have made money off of the pictures i've taken. i've hired you, you've bought them...what the fuck ever. matrix content owns the rights to them. if my pictures were so shitty...then you wouldn't have made them the #1 content company in the business. we wouldn't have won 2 xbiz awards, and i wouldn't have won a big woody at the player's ball. and you wouldn't have either bought/stolen matrix's pictures for your sites. and jackie wouldn't be spending all her paid time trying to defend copyright infringements.

knock me all you want. i just took the pictures. i don't post pics on here pretending to be hot...in fact, i'll say it right now. i'm about 30 pounds over my usual weight, and i could really give a fuck. i'm not here to look cute for you people, or to spread my gaping ass (like seems to be the pride and joy of some girls around here). i have someone in my life that likes me the way i am...and i don't need any more approval. esp. for a pack of pervs with a distorted view of how "real" women should look. (perhaps you should hop off this message board and go fuck your wife).

i'm not going to explain myself and some of the shitty things i've said and/or done to some of the people in the business. that is between me and them. and i have made amends in the best way i know how. and that is not a public issue anymore. i have no problems with holly randall, jon berg, norman and jackie bentley, ron levi, nor any of the other people i may have offended during a time while i was weak and hurting from my personal struggles, and took the time to lash out in very hurtful ways.

i am human, and i hurt, too. and what i lost that hurt the most is the career i worked so hard for, building my way up from the bottom for 8 years only to find myself back at the bottom because of the damage i have done.

no, all you haters. i don't desperatley need work. this is not an attempt to ask for work. i still maintain some work in the industry that i do quietly and discretely, because i am only there to do my job. i don't need kudos and cookies anymore (as you can tell, i'm overweight...enough cookies). i love what i do and am grateful to those who hire me for work, knowing i will show up to set just grateful to be there. photographing women is my one true passion, and directing hardcore scenes comes naturally to me.

and if you are so concerned about my work, i do work outside the adult industry. there is a whole different world out there that i am discovering. i am finding out about bringing out the sexuality in regular people, much like breaking in a first-timer, is an expirience all it's own.

one thing i DO have to say is this...luke ford is a piece of shit.

let him read it...it's so much more interesting than his wellbutrin-popping sorry excuse for a journalism career. which is mainly focused on fucking with holly randall (who i extend my amends to for being a self-righteous jealous bitch). besides, he is a hypocrite for despising the adult industry, yet makes a profit off of it by selling ad space and copying blogs from other sites (like mine, and i have been hiding from the industry for years). and while out to dinner with him at one AVN show, he complained to me how hard it was to date an alcoholic...yet he didn't seem to have problems when he brought her into his hovel to have his way with her after she had been drinking, i'm sure.

oh, BTW...she got him to talk dirty for the first time, and he likes plain vanilla sex, the adult industry has warped him so much. and while we're on the subject...he still doesn't have a problem coveting young adult stars and seducing them with his "witty" (which is sarcasm in disguise, they just don't get it). and then he repents? repeatedly over and over? WHO ARE YOU REPENTING TO, LUKE? i would think (call me a hypocrite all you want here, i will call myself out first.) that after "repenting" so many times, you're like the jew who cried wolf.

do you really think your God will be there? oh, that's right...your mission from god is to expose those who sin against the lord, and without mercy or remorse. (i forget where i read that, but i have read all of luke's essays...if i could find it, i would quote it exactly). but, i seriously doubt that you had a moses-like burning bush moment where god spoke to you. i think you heard those voices in your head before you started your meds.

"Through understanding the sex industry, I better understand humanity. It's wonderful to desire a better world, but first you must face reality. If you don't get your premises right, your crusade may do more harm than good." - luke ford
Did you ever bother to get an actual quote publishing my personal blog? How about Holly, before exposing her alcohol issues? Your "crusade" has done more harm than good. Certainly your "premises" have had no justification at all.

how about this one:

"Persons who produce porn, pornographers, are always secular and tend to be liberal, single, male, sexually jaded, frank, rebellious, open to experimenting with drugs, alcohol and the occult, and consumers of pop culture." Luke himself reports on the lives of porn stars (sometimes to the point of obsession) and claims he's not liberal, yet will report on sleeping with a fan at a convention and sharing a room with her (asian fan)? and no, he doesn't drink...but the level of "legal" drugs just to keep him sane are not any different than that which he states above.

who exactly is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, luke? climb back into your van and retreat back to your hovel...and i will go crawl back under my rock. holly is too good for you, and i doubt she will slip up and do you any favors.

what ever happened to that girl you were so into you met-that you told me about who was quiet and didn't take up much space?

luke ford is just a pseudo-smart man who uses his "religion" to fool us all into thinking he's got an interesting objective on the adult industry. when, in fact...he is just another smut peddler who thinks he's fooling all of us with his sarcastic bullshit.

and quite frankly, you can stop making my life your subject. you are no better than i am. or holly. or anyone else you try to take down with your hyporcrisy. it's good you sold your site. perhaps now you will shut up.

i will in fact shut up now. i am finally tired of this shit.