Top 10 Potential Buyers for LukeIsBack.com
Porn journalist and blogging legend Luke Ford has place his site
www.LukeIsBack.com and its content up for sale. He is heading out of the jizz biz and looking for someone to take over his site. We don’t know who that might be, but I’ve done some checking. With the help of my crack research time I have come up with a list of the ten most likely buyers. This will come as a shock to many of you since the above statement mentioned Luke and research in the same paragraph. It will not shock you however that I couldn’t go one paragraph without using the words “crack†and “staff.†So here there are folks. The 10 Most Likely Buyers for LukeIsBack.com
10. Monstar: This guy has been climbing the ladder in the porn world for five years. Why not take the next step? He has cultivated relationships with hot girls, managed not to completely alienate most of the porn makers and has come to grips with the love/hate relationship that he would have to have with readers/posters.
9. Gram Ponante: Who better to take over the site than the one porn blogger/journalist who actually makes us reach for our dictionary as often as our cocks? You know, he’s intellectual ‘n stuff. Besides, now that he’s on the outs with the cool kids, we can watch him do battle with alt-porners every day.
8. Owen Ford: That’s right, Luke’s rarely heard from brother. Though not nearly as good looking or talented as Luke, Owen seems to have a knack for being in the right place at the right time. He brings star power to the site and could even bring in pals Ben Stiller and Jackie Chan to do guest blogging…..what? Oh wait, sorry, wrong Luke and Owen. I get them confused.
7. The XPT Gang: These guys have been contributing to the site one way or another for so long that they might as well take it over. Many of the most popular stories on Luke’s site started over on XPT and even those that didn’t ended up commented upon by the crew. They could sort of tag team the site picking the right poster to apply the proper levels of distain, whore worship and slut hate to any topic. It may be unconventional to go ensemble, but dammit it just might work.
6. Mike South: From what I hear, the entire state of Georgia might be out of water soon so it could be a good time for Mike to relocate. He can turn
www.MikeSouth.com into the East Coast branch while making Luke’s site his West Coast headquarters. From here he can drive the Porn Valley route of the Ron Paul 08 bandwagon and continue the Luke Ford tradition of alienating industry big wigs and breaking stories right and left….at least until the water in SoCal dries up and he has to move permanently to Tampa where he and Jim Gunn can partner up for a new site SouthernLesbianBukkakeCheerleaders.com
5. Shelly Luben: Shelly might have to ramp up her disdain for porn a little bit to be on par with Luke’s of late, but she seems to be well on her way. After reporting on the horrible conditions in Porn Valley, Shelly can offer a way out that doesn’t include a quick mercy blowjob. Shelly can speak first hand of the horrors of porn, the damage it does and I am certain that given time she will find a way to blame global warming, high oil prices and Alex Rodriguez’ poor post season performance on the fact that adults screw on film for money.
4. Skeeter Kerkove: The King of Sodom could cut out the middle man and bring his message directly to the people. He has already proven that he isn’t afraid to say whatever is on his mind about whoever he can think of. With the man who kissed Jan Brady, invented cream pies and captained the SS Kerkove through some rocky times in control, it would never, ever be dull.
3. Roger T. Pipe: Sure why not? I’m sure that with the right training, I can be just as hated and shunned as Luke. I think I can probably drink enough at functions to take photos as devastating as the camera of death. I’m sure that with enough practice I can even get the whole self-loathing thing down. But even with all that I know that I’ll never be able to score with hot porn babes like Luke. Well except for in those super secret POV movies that I’ve been shooting and stock-piling. Come to think of it, I better buy the site before Skeeter or he might blow the whistle on that whole project.
2. Eon McKai & Dana DeArmond: Second verse same as the first, but with a cool alt-beat to it. Luke’s first site was sold and is now run by the Scott Fayner/Taylor Rain team. They give us Fayner’s acerbic wit, Taylor’s utter hotness and Fayner’s absolute devotion to said hotness. They do it all through a drug-induced haze and show us some pretty pictures. Eon and Dana could take over Luke’s new site and give it an alt-porn twist. The King of Alt and the Queen of the Internet can team up to give us Eon’s pretentious snits, Dana’s utter hotness and Eon’s steadfast refusal to shoot anything that might make people want to jerk off. They can do it all through an internet-induced haze and show us some pretty tattoos.
1. Loot Bored: And finally the mystery bidder. A handsome young Kiwi named Loot seems to have the inside track. Due to his strong Muslim faith, this converted Hindu now finds porn to be both fascinating and repulsive. He plans to expose the horrors of sex for money, sex for drugs and sex for fun while managing to score as much free porn pussy as humanly possible.
There you go. I hope you enjoyed this incredibly well researched, yet totally made up (and yes folks, sarcastic) look at the likely buyers of LukeIsBack.com. If you have any to add to this list, please shoot me the names. If you have any comments, please email them.
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