I'm happy to take the role of fake doctor, since it seems to be one of the few fake professions not represented here.

1. Don't scratch.
2. Bathe in oatmeal or apply calamine lotion
3. Don't scratch
4. Look up all your main enemies and spit on them
5. Take these pills and come see me next week

JimB: I think you're confusing chicken pox with mumps. Mumps in adult males can potentially lead to sterility. Chicken pox can lead to sterility only if you scratch so much you end up with what we call "James Edward Olmos Syndrome".