Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts.


Quote:

He lived a great life because of you.



I really wish I could let my self believe/accept that.

I am in an unending cycle of criminal mental-self-abuse. I keep hammering myself with hateful thoughts and recriminations that compare, in boxing parlance, to an endless stream of "roundhouse to the temple". I believe the damage/scarring will be permanent.


I haven't slept. My thoughts have to slow down to sleep, and right now I won't let them.

I'm only able to cope when I distract myself. When my thoughts slow down I either broil myself with damning, scarring, brutal, abusive self-hatred, reflect upon every perceived misstep I've taken to erode any trace vestige of self-worth I might have had left in me, or cry, shaking from the gravity of the anguish.


And, I'm breathing short and fast because for some reason if I breathe deep it feels like I'm in the elevator in the old World Trade towers and get that queasy emptiness quirk those lightning fast cars used to give me. Then on exhalea a stabbing pain follows that make it seem like my heart is now but shattered crystal shards stabbing in.




I just got back from the vet where I dropped him off. For the first time since Spring 1992 I am the only other mammal in my apartment. An apartment which housed the birth of his 4 offspring and his death.

I am somewhat pleased he chose to die on his own terms and not at the point of the blue liquid like a convicted murderer.


On the other hand, I really do wish someone loved me enough today to take some "blue liquid" and put me "to sleep".



But, alas, my agony compounds like Pe**rt.

[clicky for anyone who doesn't get my reference and is interested nonetheless]




Me >>>> <<<< also Me
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Amo i Gemelli!! wink