My little brother returned last week from Russia, Federation Of, with his family in one piece. I send My mom and little sister out with my Amex Card to take my bro's wife and the kids shopping, so I might enjoy Sunday Football with him down in Providence at one of the last Mafia Stronghold's with a stripclub still functioning the way they are supposed to function.

After watching the Patriots Destroy the Jets, we were both pretty hammered so we naturally order food and lap dances (Nothing like a chick feeding you a chicken tender from betwixt her boobs.) As always one drunken stripper thinks my crip sled is just "the coolest thing I ever Saw!! <giggles...*burp*>" and starts wheeling around the establishment and crashing into shit and people. I either pretend not to notice or just dont fucking care because the Pasta is too engaging....<fast forward 90 minutes later> Now I have to piss....where is my ride??? The chick never returned my wheelchair. I signal the no neck bouncer named "Vinny" to find my wheelchair. 5 minutes later he comes back...."I dunno, where'd youzzz last see it again???"


FUCK...this is like someone stealing YOUR shoes on a midafternoon in Vegas in the middle of August in the middle of a Huge empty parking lot.

First order of Business is to empty my bursting bladder, so I walk (more like waddle) to the restroom with my brother and Vinny assisting ... along the way, I see the girl who wheeled off in my chair, she's passed out on a divan in the corridor. I tell Vinny this and he wakes her up with a pseudo Donkey Punch that would give Grip & Cram a boner. She says she got out of it for a minute to get her cigarettes from inside the dressing room (it wouldnt fit inside the door) and was gonna bring it back to me but it was gone when she returned. So naturally she takes a NAP hoping when she wakes up it will be back. Vinny tells her "Gedda fuck outta here...!!"

I piss for like 6 minutes while imagining ordering a new 4000 dollar wheelchair the next morning (I have a total of 8 chairs dispersed at various locations but this one I apparently lost was my best one, my favorite steel blue and black Quickie....none are less than 3 grand U.S. dollars)

I need a couple more drinks before I can leave now so while I am enjoying my last Absolut & 7up, the Valet guy comes up to me with Vinny and says "Dude, did you let Andrea have your wheelchair?!?!?!?!" <blank clueless Burg expression followed by choking on his lime wedge> " *gasp* Who the fuck is Andrea???"

Out in the parking lot the manager (who was upset more than I was over this incident after Vinny informed him, since (1) he doesnt need the legal bullshit an incident like this might cause and (2) he thinks I am "connected" since I went to high school with former Patriarcha Boss BIG NOSE Sam Cufari's Daughter Liz and actually dated her several times)
is berating this gorgeous yet pathetic redhead who's mascara is running all the way down to her tits and who's car trunk is open with my favorite Blue wheelchair in it...seems she saw the chair in the corridor and, knowing it worth a few bucks decided that her slot machine addiction at Foxwoods Casino trumped all else and the person not sitting in it would not miss it.

She was fired, the manager apologized 87 times, Vinny invited me to his mother's house for dinner next Sunday and my brother almost barfed up a lung laughing his ass off realizing this is yet another strip club first for me, a whore actually tried to steal my wheelchair.

Are you ready for the FOOTBALLL?!?!?!?!?!?