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You seem like a very good person. I hope you have a great alcohol-free birthday.



Thank you... yes it was my first sober birthday, which was a little weird. I actually started the day off in a great mood, but then got progressively more depressed as the day went on. I've always taken my birthday off of work, and I usually have what I call "Hollyfest": a week of parties, dinners, and a lot of boozing. This year was very quiet, and anti-climatic in a way. I wasn't expecting anything grand, but for some reason I was disappointed. I hate growing older, and I know this sounds stupid, but when I was a little girl, I thought I would be engaged or married by now. Or at least be in a relationship that might be headed that way. I didn't think I'd be an alcoholic commitment-phobe who would rather spend an evening working than going out on a date. Actually scratch that-- I'd rather spend an evening getting my toenails ripped out than go on a date. I crave yet fear intimacy, but before I had alcohol to suppress that fear. So without it I'm at a loss of how to deal with relationships (not that I was dealing with them well when I was drinking). I don't know, I think I'm just hormonal right now, but I'm glad my birthday's over, and I'm in no hurry for the next one. Maybe by then I'll grow up and I won't be so whiny about it.



My good Friend goes through similar emotions and thoughts. See, in 2004 he received his 2nd DWI. Yes he was and IS an irresponsible drinker but he really is a good guy. He is also a Teacher. Not wanting to become a convicted felon he made a decision NOT TO DRINK EVER AGAIN. Good for Him. However, in the 3 years since this momentous and positive turn in his life he has continued to see only the negatives about his decision. Sure you and he cannot go out and do the things you used to do.(Like the commemorative drinking all weekend party) Sure it's difficult to just stop Activities you've participated in for years. If you really think about it, was it all that fun? Even though I still drink(not around my friend) I look back on MOST of my benders and say, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!!!!"Because you can no longer do this shouldn't bee seen as a downer. Its much better than living The Jeckle n' Hyde existence of an Alcoholic.
As for the wanting to be with a partner thing? Heck, if its meant to be it will happen. No use in pressuring yourself on THAT ISSUE.
When your down in the doldrums just think to yourself, "FUCK...I LEAST I'M NOT LUKE FORD"