i was such an awesome kid in preschool aside from being able to read way too early and bringing books about volcanos and sharks into class to terrify the other kids with.

i hated naptime and every month or so, i'd devise ways to sneak past any teacher who wasn't paying rapt attention to the supposedly sleeping kids or left the room for a minute for the bathroom or teacher's lounge.

by the end of nursery school my record was making it a mile away from school before the cops brought me back one of probably 6 times. the other times the nursery school would realize i was AWOL after nap and they'd lock the building down and the teachers would freak.

the other kids would invariably end up crying at the panicked teachers talking in grownup-voices to each other and organizing search parties. teachers are fragile and incompetent in crisis and very easy to fool. once i hid in the toy bin for an entire afternoon because indoor recess sucked.

oh, and for a 4-5 year old i had an arm like elway and could lob balls probably 2x as far and fast as any of the other kids. i singlehandedly forced the preschool to replace all of their inflatable balls with nerf ones after i just fucking killed some kid in dodgeball, knocking him to the ground which he bounced off of into an unconscious heap and he had to have stitches in his scalp.