Things haven't been going too well for me with the opposite sex (aside from homeless and mentally ill chicks)...

I need your advice and your prayers.

Holly's out of the country and Stefani Morgan's sick.

http://lukeisback.com/bloglukeisback/?p=1088

When I came to Los Angeles in 1994, I placed and answered a bunch of singles ads and met a lot of women and had some good times.

In 1997, I went on jdate and had little success.

Ten years later, I returned.

Over the past two days, I’ve emailed 60 women. Four answered me. I spoke on the phone to one.

After we finished talking, I noticed that my chest was covered with angry red hives (and that rarely happens to me, only when I am forced to confront myself and see someone I don’t like).

Here’s how I described myself in my JDate profile:

I like to read and write. That’s how I spend most of my time. It’s how I earn my living. I’m cynical and sarcastic and my favorite music group is Air Supply (that’s not sarcastic). I like to be around smart people who make me laugh. I hate conflict in my personal life. I have enough through my writing. I hate irresponsibility and laziness. I despise people who abuse drugs and alcohol. I believe in hard work, family, friends, Judaism, and learning. I have issues with authority. I’m a rebel with a shul. I like writing about the people society rejects but I don’t want them in my personal life.

My perfect first date:
An Air Supply concert. Joke. It doesn’t matter. If you’re fitted for the other person, you could go somewhere you both hated and it would only bond you tighter.

My ideal relationship:
Common interests and support for the other person even when you don’t share interests. You must always respect the other person and once that goes, it’s over.

I am looking for a:
Someone smart, well-read, funny and committed to Judaism. Everything else is optional.

If anything good happens for me on jdate or elsewhere in my romantic life, I won’t be writing about it. I don’t see much point in autobiographical writing unless it reveals humiliation.

I put on my profile these two pictures — one of my holding up two lawsuits I’d just received (Jan. 2000) and the other (June 2001) of me wearing black shoes, white socks and some horrible shorts and t-shirt.

As I get older, the ladies seem to get smarter.

Sometimes I fear that my life is headed in the wrong direction. Today I got a hit from this website about 15-year old girls in bikinis. I don’t think this was for one of my learned Torah commentaries.

Joe emails:

I just wanted to give you some feedback about your JDate photos.

They aren’t really going to get you anywhere. The one in the shorts is tragic, I don’t know if you’re feeling bad about yourself, or if you are setting yourself up for failure, but they just aren’t going to help you.

My advice:

* start working out. You can get one of those tube train things for doing solo workouts at home, very inexpensive.

* buy some "phyto protein 100% pea protein isolate", it’s kosher and a great source of protein.

* try getting some photos where your look a bit more alpha-male /masculine. The one with you in the shorts looks very sad, you look like you live at home with your Dad and are on a disability pension.

Isn't Shelley going to be mad, you stepping out on her like this?

You're a bad, bad man Luke Ford.

She's OK with me seeing other women as long as I don't give them banner space.

Why are you asking people you hate for advice?

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I have issues with authority. I’m a rebel with a shul. I like writing about the people society rejects but I don’t want them in my personal life.

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First lesson: Don't treat your dating profile as a pathetic attempt at a plug for your failed writings from years past.

Put up a picture of you from well, within the last five years, preferably GO TAKE A PICTURE OF YOURSELF TODAY, and specifically mention its from recently; even if you're overweight and fat, hit them with your honesty. Women in the online dating world respect that more than pics from almost last century.

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I like to be around smart people who make me laugh. I hate conflict in my personal life. I have enough through my writing. I hate irresponsibility and laziness.

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And 98% of the world have the same sentiments; what makes *YOU* unique. Why did your last relationship fail? What do you view this potential date as? A rebound, starting over, something for the hell of it?

What type of Judaism are you into? Be more specific about that. Thats like saying you drive a "sedan;" it doesn't tell you anything.

What type of woman are you into age wise? Give a minimum and maximum age and WHY.

You mention Air Supply 17 times in two paragraphs; mention it *once* along with all your other interests: movies, media platforms (are you a Mac or PC guy?), TV shows, other bands you're into.

Take this example:
Air Supply's playing some casino down here in San Diego sometime soon; if that's your first date, say, seeing Air Supply at some Indian Casino (which is likely the only venue they even play anymore), would you gamble? Would you go to the buffet line? Would you simply show up for the show and leave? Would you get a hotel room down there for the show with your Shelley Luben ad money? Would this casino conflict with your Jewish beliefs?

Certainly you're proof that the world of porn is demoralizing to men and gives them no real world confidence, but you can change all that.

You can do it Luke!

try http://www.manhunt.net

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After we finished talking, I noticed that my chest was covered with angry red hives (and that rarely happens to me, only when I am forced to confront myself and see someone I don’t like).

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You must get hives often.

FWIW, there's a porno from 1980 called Loose Threads (or Business as Usual). You can buy it from Something Weird Video--Dragon Art Feature #110. One of the stuntcock kept scratching his arms and chest during a sex scene...turnes out he had scabies, and he gave it to everyone else in the office.

You don't need advice, you need a better paying job, a haircut that costs more than eight bucks at Supercuts, a fashionable wardrobe, a personal trainer and an automobile that doesn't run on prayers. Then you need a new personality. Your internet persona/shtick fits perfectly with your gig, but if that's the You the women in your life are getting, then you're basically fucked, regardless of the aesthetic changes you make. That you somehow managed to pull Holly being "Online Luke" at least some of the time probably says more about her than you. She was drinking then, right?

Ideally, if you could find another gig, your best bet would be to simply move out of L.A. Even if you miraculously accomplished all of the things I mentioned, you'd still be out of place. You just don't fit there.

OK. I'll let you know how it works.

Luke, stop torturing yourself with jdate. You obviously like the shiksas, so concentrate on lurking around bookstores, galleries, Air Supply tribute act gigs [is there even such a thing?]

At least that way you'll meet someone who can read, appreciates the differences between light and shade and digs your kind of time warp music.

Your pursuit of the unattainable will not bring you happiness. If all of the above fails, just start banging married chicks and repent at leisure. I'd probably quit watching Californication if I was you.

Singles laundries could work

A personality transplant might help. And Luke, the last person I met who liked Air Supply was a deaf chick.

luke, try this

Move to Isreal already and get an IDF babe. They've got a burgeoning porn industry there to write about too, don't they?

If honesty and being yourself isn't working with the ladies, you can always lie. You'll probably get a couple of decent fucks out of the gig until they figure out what you're all about.

You need these guys
http://realsocialdynamics.com

Also read the book THE GAME by Neil Strauss

Although I'm certain Stevie Why applied and was rejected by the VH1 Reality Lobotomy known as "The Pick Up Artist", I suggest he and Luke try for Season Two.

Who the hell's that guy trying to pick-up? Lady pirates?