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"The more you fight, the longer and more painful it will be"

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Bitch needs to learn to use paragraphs. That was painful to try and muddle through.

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Can you post the most strokeworthy chunks, Luke? It's a slow Sunday and I've just eaten. I could burn off a few calories.

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I'll never forget when we were eating at the lil place down the street from you that we used to slip into for a late bite. You randomly said you fucked my as the night before when I was ambiened out. "Your ass was gapping" you said. I didn't know what to say, you smiled and said you weren't lying. You had taken pictures of the whole thing. My body limp while you pounded my ass in my sleep. Pictures for your sick pleasure. You wonder why I cut my arm those few times.

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Does she have no dignity to preserve?

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Gents, I've just been reading through Stefani's 25-page thread on ADT. Oh my... Why weren't we there for her when she needed us most? The pain just leaps off the page.

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Have you got a mouse in your pocket?

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Have you got a mouse in your pocket?

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I bet Holly said that a few times.

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http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=142498663

She writes on MySpace:

I should have never met up with you and Andrew. From the beginning you just kept playing with my head, making you think you cared while you were out sleeping with numerous girls. I sat at home thinking maybe you'd stop, you'd realize you didn't need that to make yourself feel better. It never happened. I hadn't seen you in a month, and leaped at the chance to, you already had complete hold of my heart. We partied all night; everything was perfect (in a Sid and Nancy way). A few days later when I came over, we slept together; you wanted to get up early. I left so you could get to bed. The next day I asked how you were so tired. You laughed when you told me a girl had dropped by late, and you fucked her. At that point I told myself I wasn't going to get hurt again. So a couple days later when an ex-fling called I decided to meet up with him. I tried to get my mind off you, I slept with him, which is completely juvenile, and I cried the whole way home because I hated myself for it. When I told mo the next night she tried to convince me it was ok that I had. She and I started up with our own lil party at dinner, followed by her house. You said we could stop by the next day had come over to continue our party with you, we both wanted e. everything was fine, then mo went to bed, and you asked me if I slept with JJ. I said yes, I couldn't lie to you. You commanded I get upstairs, then told me to "lay on the bed, I'm going to rape your ass" I pleaded, and fought, so you pinned me down and forced me to take it. I didn't know the man on top of me. You went downstairs and left me sobbing on the bed. I heard you ask mo something and I picked myself up, not knowing what was going on. Mo was in a daze, and I found you in the living room. You had ME pleading for forgiveness. You had just stripped me of all my rights just minutes before and I was apologizing. I'm so glad it happened, don't get me wrong, because of that I went to talk to mo and she started getting sick from partying so hard too long, I was horrified, I had never seen that firsthand, let alone someone I cared about. Looking back on it I think that is the only reason why I told myself I was ok after what you did. What if something happened to mo, we would've just been sleeping upstairs, no one to help her. You left the next day before I woke up to avoid me. I wanted to die, I felt so dirty and guilty. The next week we chatted, I blamed myself for everything and thought I deserved it; I was filming the following weekend after all. You went to Jay's Christmas party, and Andrew went along. Little did you know at the time, Andrew's date was a hooker. She didn't fuck Andrew, she fucked you...and since she said she always used a condom you didn't use one. I forgave you, why not? I did for everything else up to that point. We made up, we partied together, and I missed my family's Christmas because of it. And you let me sleep while you went out with your parents, when you came back, you were upset, and you ended it. 2 days later, the hooker from the party contacted me to say she was pregnant and it was yours, she couldn't get a hold of you so I got the wonderful news, great. I reminded myself it was an accident, you didn't do this on purpose, and I stood by your side. When I saw you a few days later, you searched my text messages and saw merry Xmas exchanges between 2 men from my past and I. heaven forbid I still get along with them. You then took me to Scottsdale for new years to just make me feel guilty. Once again you commanded me to get on the bed. Saying, "Lay on the bed, I'm going to rape your ass" I was so horrified of you. Your eyes had even changed. "The more you fight, the longer and more painful it will be". Our suite was so isolated, I didn't know what to do, what you would do, you weren't yourself and I feared the worst. As I begged, you went to your suitcase and grabbed 2 ties, and tied each ankle to a bedpost. How do you do that to someone? You told me to bite on the pillow and not to scream. When you stopped I lay there horrified for my life. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't care how many times you say I did, I didn't. You rubbed my back and said, "mo was right, girls like you are unlovable. No one has ever cared for you, no guys in your past, but I do." I apologized once again. A part of me felt sorry for you, you know not what you do, even at your age. I remember saying something smart and you went to grab me again, I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. you pound and pounded on the door as I pleaded for you to stop. You eventually did. And I remember lying there on the cold floor half naked; I had never been so afraid my entire life. I crawled out to my purse after several minutes past, I grabbed my phone and then locked myself in the bathroom again to book the soonest flight home. The suites at Sanctuary are so isolated I was scared to call for help. what if you heard me? I figured booking a flight was safest. When you came back banging on the door, shortly after, I thought you had heard me, I pleaded for you not to hit me, I was sorry, and you promised not to hit me. When I cracked the door the man I knew was back, you looked horrified seeing me like that you coddled me and said you would never hit me. I remember sobbing while you whipped my tears, I wish you had beat and left me there alone rather than feel what I felt inside. I am such an idiot for letting you talk me down. I forgave you. I am the fool. Ryan and mark were on their way; my worst fear was having people know what you had done. I honestly, to this day, know from the bottom of my heart that that is not who you are. Maybe I am in denial, but it isn't you. I got myself ready; I was just one hit of e away from forgetting how much you hated me inside. I've never been so dependent on drugs and alcohol, but that was the only time I felt remotely happy. The next week or so, you flew the hooker in and handled the abortion. It wasn't yours in the end, and to be honest I forgave you even more so because it wasn't. Then we had AVN's, the last of my journey, I was leaving, all we had to do was get through the week and for me to not have to go on that damn stage to accept an award. We had it; it was supposed to be downhill finally. I had even changed all my contacts so you didn't have to worry about "my horrible past" (your words not mine) you still checked my phone and altered most things out of my mouth.... you'd think after years of drugs you'd be aware of your anger and paranoia...maybe that's just my wishful thinking though. You adored me so much when had good days, others I felt like I couldn't go on. The hardest part was that you don't hear yourself speak. You don't realize what you say, your body language. A part of me felt you knew that you had hurt me and just tried to push me away as much as possible to end it. That was your way of saving me from you. Although my moods and thought were never clear, it was drugs, withdrawals, then all over again. And the pain I had was just getting pushed back further in my head, I never had the strength to deal with it. You had become my everything. You controlled me. I lost everything without even realize it. I never once thought of what I wanted. And that was my fault; I loved you more than you loved yourself. My goal everyday was to make you see the good in yourself; I thought I was special enough to make you see it. But I was too naive at the time. You had cut me out almost completely by march. We had fought and made up for months, and every time was more intense then the time before. I'll never forget when we were eating at the lil place down the street from you that we used to slip into for a late bite. You randomly said you fucked my as the night before when I was ambiened out. "Your ass was gapping" you said. I didn't know what to say, you smiled and said you weren't lying. You had taken pictures of the whole thing. My body limp while you pounded my ass in my sleep. Pictures for your sick pleasure. You wonder why I cut my arm those few times. How did I let myself get to that point? When and where did I forget about me? When did I stop defending myself and become a victim? And how the fuck could you smile through it all?? I developed this sick thought that if I could have anal sex with you and thoroughly enjoy it I could forget all the abuse you put me through. After getting an object "lost in my body" as the nurse put it, one symptom remained. I had nausea, throughout the day, and it peaked midday. The dr. told me he would like me to call my dr. to see if I was pregnant. I told you as I left. Do you remember what you said? You told me to take some tests while you got a coat hanger. Everything I dreamed it would be when I played house when I was young. Real, fucking gentleman. The whole way home you asked anxiously. The thing that killed me inside was when you said, " god let's hope not. I'd rather Vanessa (the hooker) have my child than you." and you wonder why I lied to you saying that I wasn't pregnant. I hurt to so bad inside, my worst fear is that I would never get over the pain you put me through. I couldn't look at that baby and hurt. I thought I wouldn't be a good enough mother because of it. The thing that hurt most was that you wouldn't change, you don't want to. Look how long Nicole has been in your life, and you still haven't. Why would you for this kid? You take such horrible care of yourself like nothing will ever happen. I had you lying in my arms twice were you had taken too much and you had no idea you and spazming, and I remember lying there, watching you, crying. I was horrified. What if something did happen? I lost my dad when I was 6, and it is hard. I have siblings that still aren't over it 15 years later. All these reasons just scared me, I didn't know what to do, and I was too scared. I was so in love with you still, and I didn't want to blame you. I figured if you didn't know I could only blame myself. A few days later you got mad at me for celebrating Odette's new show with her and the cast. I was drinking and men were hitting on me, they all knew I was in love, everyone knew about you. I had no life outside of you, how could they not? Yet you were pissed and ripped me to shreds the next morning. You altered my story, you were so mad; you didn't even actually listen to a word out of my mouth. I blurted out I was pregnant. And your exact words were, "well then we have another problem, it can't be mine." How the fuck could you say that?? I changed everything for you, just so you could cope with your own problems. I kept my mouth close so you could think what you wanted to. You were the center of my world and you accused me of cheating on you?? Do you know what that did to me? A couple days later we went to dinner and we talked about it, I told you was going to a clinic by my mom's, I had planned on you never knowing. You said with Vanessa it is ok, but in my case it was sad. And you had the look in your eyes I never saw before. I felt that I was hurting you, so I tried to let you think I made the whole ting up. But in the end, I couldn't. I needed you. Every reason I had led to you, and I loved you so much I didn't want you to hurt. That's why I lied. If you didn't know, you couldn't stop me, and I couldn't blame you the way I wanted to. You know I wanted that baby, you knew how much I love kids. But I wasn't strong enough, I was selfish. I hurt too much. I thought couldn't keep him/her. The shitty thing is I will regret my decision every second, of everyday until I die. I keep telling myself I would've never been able to give he/she everything they deserved, but I'm just lying to myself. You asked how I felt when I came back; it wasn't much but I am so glad you tried a little. Honest, I really am. The thing that destroyed me the most was one week, to the day, after my procedure we called Andréa (your hooker who you buy drugs from). She had some friends with her, they partied with us. I was upstairs when you brought her up to your room. She went into the bathroom and you put your arms around me, and kissed me. I instantly had tears in my eyes. I said, "I can't do this" you told me "don't worry, there won't be any insertion". I went downstairs and cried in the bathroom then went out to mark and the girls and numbed my pain with my chemicals. The next day when we woke up you said was weird at the end of the night, I seemed uncomfortable, you asked if I felt weird around the hookers, didn't it remind me of the old days? You the fuck did I ever do to you to deserve the way you treated me? That was the first time you put your arms around me since my procedure, do you know that? I remember reading a book on coping next to you, I was crying. When you shut off the light you heard me set the book down and said, "I didn't realize you were awake." I needed you more than anything at that point. It took 2 weeks and you asking me to never speak to you 3 times before you hugged me and said "it was sad", that's it. You were partying more, your moods were worse than ever. You wanted me out of your life completely. That was it. You left me when I had nothing. I have never felt the pain I had inside ever in my life, and it scared me to death. And you just kept ignoring me, doing more drugs. You lashed out when you found out I was coming back to work. I was trash, a whore; I was a waste of your time. I'm just a 21-year-old girl trying to get my life back, and it's going to take a long time. I was afraid to talk about anything after you threatened to retaliate if I did. You told me I was crazy and I made things up. I wish I were. There have been nights I go to bed hoping I won't wake up. Everyday is harder than the last. Keeping quiet has caused the pain to become unbearable. I'm not ok, but I will be. Because if am not, you win. And you have had a hold of me too long. You know, all I asked for was an apology, you cut me out of your life completely instead. But the hard part is that I will never hear the words I'm sorry come out of your mouth. I don't hate you. I hope one day you see how amazing you are underneath it all and can love yourself instead of sabotaging yourself. That's the worst pain, seeing you destroy yourself. You can't see how much it hurts those around you even when they are screaming in front of you with tears streaming down their cheeks. It's been months and things have only become worse. I'm glad you've numbed the pain that I have to feel every goddamn day.

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Fucking Whores.

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Bitch needs to learn to use paragraphs. That was painful to try and muddle through.

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