For passing a drug test when you’ve only got $5 in the pocket of your worn-out jeans, drink two liters of water mixed with one packet of Certo liquid fruit pectin (found at any grocery store) a couple of hours beforehand. Certo is the junk grandma used to make homemade preserves, and will taste like weak, sugarless lemonade when mixed with the water. Then, when you have to go, go. When your “product” resembles the Certo mixture, it’s time to take your drug test. I’ve been using this method for the last five years of my ten-year probation. I even smoke weed the night before and it works!

Man, if that shit works I wish the running back for my favorite team- the Miami Dolphins would have tried something like it- one more positive test and he misses 4 games, which the team will then lose.