G'day, mates. It's the old Rev. Desmond Ford here, popping back in for a spot of rancor and Vegemite. My gay son Luke Ford and his brother are like chalk and cheese, I reckon. I still don't understand how my loins could have produced such a fair-dinkum dimwit as Luke. He recently cried like a girl and announced that porn actress Taylor Wane "attacked" him. I saw the video, and in Australia, we call that a handshake. I must say, I could take on a bit of that Taylor Wane myself. And she'd know it, too, by cracky! My faggot son Luke Ford should be grabbed by the scruff of his miserable neck, knocked about, and have his ears boxed for his woeful whingeing. I'd do it myself - Lord knows, I've tried in the past - but since I have a Sunday sermon to compose, I was wondering if you fine XPT gents could sort the boy out in my stead. I'd be very grateful; it'd be ANZAC biscuits and milk for all you lads! I'll be back soon with some further bulletins regarding my gay son Luke Ford and his buggering antics with his childhood friend WAYNE CHERRY. I have a story involving a kookaburra that'll disturb the lot of you, I promise! Carry on, gents -- here's mud in your tankard!