Willie sent me a message strapped to a bird's leg. He trapped the bird after saving scraps of his prison meals and leaving a trail of them in his cell window down to a net he fashioned using naval lint.

The message reads as follows: "Calm the fuck down. I'll be back tomorrow. Please send money and women to Conky"

Seriously. We're talking about WillieD spending a couple of days in the Penalty Box. Not Nelson Mandella.