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#254499 - 06/25/07 07:50 PM I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
jamesn Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 6005
Loc: travieso capital management an...
i have a family of cardinals that go "TWO!!!TWOOO!!!TWOOO!!" in a tree outside our bedroom at 5am and it's really, really loud and annoying. i don't think it's legal to kill songbirds and i'm in an urban enough environment that i couldn't discharge anything but an airgun without raising some yuppified eyebrows.

someone make it go away or offer a suggestion of how to discreetly-eliminate the fucker. i like animals except for these things so i'm open to things banned in international warfare.

if anyone can figure out a way to involve fire, that would be phenomenal.


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243799-card.jpg (5 downloads)

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#254500 - 06/25/07 08:10 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Cleetus VanDamme Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/19/04
Posts: 7888
Loc: Carpathian Mountains
That is a pretty bird
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#254501 - 06/25/07 08:11 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
jamesn Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 6005
Loc: travieso capital management an...
you're a vampire, you're supposed to tell me how to poison it or make it spurt blood. fuck you.
_________________________
"She has no waist, no arse...an interesting face...but all we are really worshipping is two bags of silicone"

Martin Amis "honoring" katie price with a character bearing some of her traits

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#254502 - 06/25/07 08:24 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Moxie Offline
Human Garbage

Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 1557
Loc: New York
They really like seeds. Get a bird feeder and leave him a special treat.


Attachments
243815-poison1.jpg (3 downloads)



Edited by Moxie (06/25/07 08:25 PM)
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#254503 - 06/25/07 08:59 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Nugent Offline
Sex Slave Trader

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 1326
Loc: Yosisterisawhore, CA

+

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If I wanted to hear a crazy cunt talk about her kids I would just go to a regular bar and talk to the single moms there instead. - Fiend

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#254504 - 06/25/07 09:03 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Uomo Grassissimo!! Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/14/06
Posts: 14755
Loc: Busy downloading [LEGALLY!]
You adopt a Florida Panther.

It's like a puma but with a cooler name. You starve it for a week. Pass stuffed birds back and forth over its cage out of reach. Taunt it by showing video of St. Louis killing the Tigers last year. Tell it that it would have had a better childhood had not it not been molested by Cardinal Law of Boston. Let it know that its father was black-balled from Stanford since he wasn't a "black" panther.

Then let it loose on the neighborhood right when the morning aria begins!!

If there are any objections:

1. Make sure to emphasize that the [state you are in] Panther is an endangered species that should be allowed to return to roam the wilds of [fill in the neighborhood name] which was taken from them by Liberals - THOSE BASTARDS! - who drove them out to make a non-Christian habitat for alternative-lifestyle rats and turkeys of dubious parentage.

2. Make sure the cougar has a silver "Property of Paris Hilton" plate glued to its pink sequined collar.

3. Forget where you heard this plan.
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#254505 - 06/25/07 10:53 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
gia jordan Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 09/07/05
Posts: 14160
Loc: NYC
Leave your house by 5am, go workout, and they'll be gone by the time you get back to shower and leave for work. Sorry if this entails you sleeping earlier the night before.
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"What I do know is that if Karen Carpenter and Mama Cass Elliot had shared that sandwich they'd both be alive today." -Michael K

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#254506 - 06/25/07 11:15 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Sergio T. Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 07/20/03
Posts: 5256
Loc: CSW Wrestling - Gracie Academy
Get something that will eat them, like a cat or owl.
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#254507 - 06/26/07 12:13 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Dean Wormer Offline
Pervert

Registered: 08/05/05
Posts: 2116
Loc: Faber College
Ask this question on gardenweb. I'm sure there will be many helpful responses.
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It was a wonderful community with some very enjoyable members. But the vast majority were like German housewives circa 1943 prenteding that horrib;le smell wafting through their open windowsd was just the neighbors having a cookout..--Windsock

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#254508 - 06/26/07 12:51 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
gia jordan Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 09/07/05
Posts: 14160
Loc: NYC
Quote:

Get something that will eat them, like a cat or owl.




What?! Who the hell buys an owl?
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"What I do know is that if Karen Carpenter and Mama Cass Elliot had shared that sandwich they'd both be alive today." -Michael K

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#254509 - 06/26/07 01:11 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
jamesn Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 6005
Loc: travieso capital management an...
where can i buy one of these owls? do you suggest a great horned owl or a barn owl. a screech owl? that would be so badass if i bought some bird of prey simply to eradicate all of the loud birds in my neighborhood.
_________________________
"She has no waist, no arse...an interesting face...but all we are really worshipping is two bags of silicone"

Martin Amis "honoring" katie price with a character bearing some of her traits

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#254510 - 06/26/07 03:14 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Uomo Grassissimo!! Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/14/06
Posts: 14755
Loc: Busy downloading [LEGALLY!]
In the US it is illegal to buy or sell an owl. You cannot even keep a wild one without a special permit, and these are only available to rehabilitators of injured human-imprinted owls.

Plus, owls make far more noise than cardinals - especially in their mating seasons - which is 9 months of the year.
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#254511 - 06/26/07 04:11 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
jamesn Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 6005
Loc: travieso capital management an...
will someone post this at gardenweb? it woke me up again, btw.
_________________________
"She has no waist, no arse...an interesting face...but all we are really worshipping is two bags of silicone"

Martin Amis "honoring" katie price with a character bearing some of her traits

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#254512 - 06/26/07 05:39 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
have2cit Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 08/09/06
Posts: 9113
Loc: red dirt state of mind
Try using some predator urine.

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#254513 - 06/26/07 07:06 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Soopergrizz Offline
Porn Fucking Master

Registered: 02/23/05
Posts: 3724
Loc: Paddling my canoe in the wild
Quote:

Try using some predator urine.




If the bird is young and female, this will do nicely:

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#254514 - 06/26/07 07:07 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Cerberus Offline
Whoremaster

Registered: 07/23/04
Posts: 2723
Loc: A very dark inner place, join ...
Put a large rubber snake in the tree, that's how we keep them off the pier and boat.
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#254515 - 06/26/07 07:30 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Cleetus VanDamme Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/19/04
Posts: 7888
Loc: Carpathian Mountains
Invest in some Chinese people, they will eventually catch the bird and eat it, to bad though it is a pretty bird
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"Some say I'm lazy and others say that is just me. Some say I'm crazy, I guess I'll always be"

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#254516 - 06/26/07 09:03 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Jeff Steward Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/14/03
Posts: 7408
Loc: JM Productions
How about using a Wankus Scarecrow.

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all women should be victims of something, because they lied. - big moose

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#254517 - 06/26/07 09:15 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Conky Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 11/04/06
Posts: 4203
Loc: Bakersfield Plumbing Supplies ...
A Wankus scarecrow is a good choice. Although it would also scare away potential careers, so be warned.
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#254518 - 06/26/07 09:20 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Gigi Offline
Porn Fucking Master

Registered: 05/18/06
Posts: 3555
Quote:

Put a large rubber snake in the tree, that's how we keep them off the pier and boat.


you can borrow my snake picture!


Attachments
243976-snake2.jpg (3 downloads)

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"I'm going to spend the rest of the weekend deep frying the fuck out of anything that gets in my way." --Handful

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#254519 - 06/26/07 09:25 AM I HATE THIS BIRD/Owl bukkake
Da Burglar Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 01/02/05
Posts: 5750
Loc: ATLANTIC CITY
Quote:

where can i buy one of these owls? do you suggest a great horned owl or a barn owl. a screech owl? that would be so badass if i bought some bird of prey simply to eradicate all of the loud birds in my neighborhood.




Last year a huge barn owl i subsequently named "Marvin" moved into the large barn/Shed on the edge of the property I bought up in Mendocino (Owls Never build their own nest, they simply usurp the nest of some other weaker, dumber bird...or help themselves to a building or part of one...) Marvin was really cool, and quite Horny according to some female environmental/wildlife expert from Eureka who happened to be lecturing in Redwood Valley at the time ...

Shortly after i moved up there and was more concerned with what the hell to furnish my house and what all the mexicans were doing out by the fenceline in the woods ( being as I now lived in an area where the 1960s were still going on, I had no clue as to what should adorn or furnish my place beyond tie-dyed curtains and bongs or pictures of bongs) my Uncle told this environmental priestess to stop by and see what was to be seen...she pointed out this large pile of Owl turds and feathers in my barn that indicated Marvin had been busy fertilizing some female Owl/her eggs. Now I am not going into detail about how Owls fuck but it sounded like something akin to Bukkake, like the male owl just splooges all over the place and hopefully hits the target on the female owl/her eggs.

My suggestion is it is possible to have Marvin or someother Barn Owl rape and fuck to death these annoying cardinals/songbirds, if we can keep him out of ouch with other female owls for a long period of time. I am back in Connecticut right now, but I can place a call if you want and get things rolling with the capture and transport. I will even foot the costs if you promise to videotape and post on Youtube the raping/killing of the birds by Marvin (or one of his owl-thug friends, he may have flown north to Vancouver to be with his other concubines in soopergriz's neighborhood.)

Awesome shit:

Quote:

Hunting & Food: Great Horned Owls (and certain Barn Owls) hunt by perching on snags and poles and watching for prey, or by gliding slowly above the ground. From high perches they dive down to the ground with wings folded, before snatching prey. Prey are usually killed instantly when grasped by its large talons. A Great Horned Owl may take prey 2 to 3 times heavier than itself. They also hunt by walking on the ground to capture small prey or wading into water to snatch frogs and fish. They have been known to walk into chicken coops to take domestic fowl. Rodents and small rabbits can be swallowed whole while larger prey are carried off and ripped apart at feeding perches or at the nest. Birds are often plucked first, and legs and wing tips discarded. An extremely wide range of prey species (at least 253 identified) are captured, but rabbits and hares are its preferred prey. Mammalian prey includes all coexisting rodents, squirrels, mink, skunks, raccoons, armadillos, porcupines, domestic cats and dogs, shrews, moles, muskrats, and bats. Bird prey includes all other Owls (except Snowy Owl), grouse, woodpeckers, crows, turkeys, pigeons, Red-tailed Hawks, bitterns, Great Blue Heron, ducks, swans, gulls, etc. Reptiles include snakes, turtles, lizards, and young alligators. Amphibians include frogs, toads, and salamanders. Other foods include fish, large insects, scorpions, centipedes, crayfish, worms, spiders, and road killed animals.
Pellets are very large, about 7.6 to 10.2 cm (3- 4") long and 3.8 cm (1.5") thick. Pellets are dark greyish-black and compact. Skulls as wide as 3 cm (1.2") are regurgitated whole. Pellets are regurgitated 6 to 10 hours after eating.




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#254520 - 06/26/07 10:20 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD/Owl bukkake
Uomo Grassissimo!! Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/14/06
Posts: 14755
Loc: Busy downloading [LEGALLY!]
This is so odd. But, so true.

Sadly this is long, but it is not rambling.


I've been quite anxious lately and unable to sleep. I finally get to sleep and I swear I can hear a low chirp in my apartment - so I think it's the influence of this post. I awake to see 3 of my 4 cats sitting closely looking up my attentively at the ceiling. And, then I hear the flutter of wings.

There is a small sparrow IN MY APARTMENT.

I WISH I were kidding.

I have no idea how it got in. All the screens are down on the few windows that are open.

It was darting back and forth at great speeds and banging into walls flying from end to end of the 2 rooms from wall molding to the top of window molding to wall molding.

I completely opened the window, and it has not noticed.

It has tuckered itself out and is panting while perched on one of those energy saving bulbs on a broken ceiling lighting fixture in my "office" - a room connected to my living room.

Since it has not moved in about 1/2 hour, the cats have lost interest completely and have moved to their daytime cool places to nap. They're like 14 & 15 years old. Plus, the fourth one is blind. So, it's like a 70 year old men chasing Scarlett Johansson.

It's very new to them since they've lived their entire lives on the top floor of a small apartment building - 2 of them were born in the small bedroom.

It's still perched there on the bulb.

Very odd.

Poor bird.

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#254521 - 06/26/07 10:45 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD/Owl bukkake
Uomo Grassissimo!! Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/14/06
Posts: 14755
Loc: Busy downloading [LEGALLY!]


He started flying around again. Landed on top of the stereo saw the window right next to him and darted NE like a bullet!!



Now if I can only figure out how he got in!
_________________________
Amo i Gemelli!! wink

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#254522 - 06/26/07 11:16 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD/Owl bukkake
Soopergrizz Offline
Porn Fucking Master

Registered: 02/23/05
Posts: 3724
Loc: Paddling my canoe in the wild
Quote:



He started flying around again. Landed on top of the stereo saw the window right next to him and darted NE like a bullet!!



Now if I can only figure out how he got in!




You should really try and find some friends.
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#254523 - 06/26/07 01:51 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD/Owl bukkake
the unknown pervert Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 03/22/07
Posts: 5186
Loc: Joshua Tree National Park
I once worked with a man who came home to find a bird(don't know the species) flying around in his living room. His solution was to find his compound bow. It only took two shots to dispatch of the bird but I would have loved to have been there when he explained the situation to his wife.

On the subject of owls, are they talking full grown turkeys and raccoons? That is something I would want to see before I believe it.
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#254524 - 06/26/07 02:19 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Cerberus Offline
Whoremaster

Registered: 07/23/04
Posts: 2723
Loc: A very dark inner place, join ...
Quote:

Quote:

Put a large rubber snake in the tree, that's how we keep them off the pier and boat.


you can borrow my snake picture!




Nice snake pic.
_________________________
'' Women are not people, they are devices built by our Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.'' Peter Griffin

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#254525 - 06/26/07 03:07 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
k1ng Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 03/22/06
Posts: 6557
Loc: 2004 - the glory days
I have a plastic owl mounted outside my house on the fourth floor above the outside shower. It works great keeping sea gulls and pigeons off the eave above thereby stopping their shit from landing on aforementioned outside shower. It's like the one pictured. If you take this route make sure you get one like this with the head that swivels. It's much more lifelike and effective.



Attachments
244131-owl.jpg (4 downloads)

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#254526 - 06/26/07 07:14 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
jamesn Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 6005
Loc: travieso capital management an...
don't crows dive-bomb your owl sometimes king? i just read that may be a downside.

_________________________
"She has no waist, no arse...an interesting face...but all we are really worshipping is two bags of silicone"

Martin Amis "honoring" katie price with a character bearing some of her traits

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#254527 - 06/26/07 07:15 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
jamesn Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 6005
Loc: travieso capital management an...
none of your solutions involve fire, although i may take da burg up on that owl.
_________________________
"She has no waist, no arse...an interesting face...but all we are really worshipping is two bags of silicone"

Martin Amis "honoring" katie price with a character bearing some of her traits

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#254528 - 06/26/07 07:55 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
k1ng Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 03/22/06
Posts: 6557
Loc: 2004 - the glory days
we don't have crows where I live. can you reach the nest/birds with a can of wd-40 and a lighter? homemade flamethrower is cool. potato gun, maybe. reach them with a weedwhacker? burn/cut the tree down. get a free cat from a local shelter and tie it to the branch outside your window.
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#254529 - 06/26/07 08:55 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
have2cit Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 08/09/06
Posts: 9113
Loc: red dirt state of mind
How about a large vile of H5N1? A little overkill and there is that whole bird to human transmission thing, but sleep is important and the cross infection risk is low.

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#254530 - 06/26/07 10:32 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Bornyo Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 09/23/04
Posts: 10321
I cant believe King doesnt have crows. They are everywhere. Seriously- if you listen to any mainstream or porn movie with outside shots you will hear crows. For that I recommend www.crowbusters.com

For james' problem I recommend a recording of a large cat growling, looped and broadcast ever so subtly into the tree. A five dollar speaker and four dollars of radio shack wire hooked to your computer ought to do the trick.

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#254531 - 06/27/07 01:45 AM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
Dean Wormer Offline
Pervert

Registered: 08/05/05
Posts: 2116
Loc: Faber College
Quote:

I cant believe King doesnt have crows. They are everywhere.




Does he live in the northeast? West Nile virus has killed a huge percentage of them up here. I haven't seen too many of them in the past 3 years.
_________________________
It was a wonderful community with some very enjoyable members. But the vast majority were like German housewives circa 1943 prenteding that horrib;le smell wafting through their open windowsd was just the neighbors having a cookout..--Windsock

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#254532 - 06/27/07 04:09 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
k1ng Offline
Porn Jesus

Registered: 03/22/06
Posts: 6557
Loc: 2004 - the glory days
Quote:

Quote:

I cant believe King doesnt have crows. They are everywhere.




Does he live in the northeast? West Nile virus has killed a huge percentage of them up here. I haven't seen too many of them in the past 3 years.




Yes. Northeast, island and ocean. There may be a few crows around, but I don't ever see or hear them. Sea gulls, affectionately known as skyrats, probably force them to different locales/mainland.
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#254533 - 06/27/07 04:24 PM Re: I HATE THIS BIRD HELP ME STOP IT!!!!!
elaborator Offline
Porn Icon

Registered: 01/27/06
Posts: 3440
Loc: Jaundice Town
it is true . West Nile has depleted the Crow population near where I live by as much as 80%.

which sucks cuz crows rule.



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