Quote:

---

You know I think I may have been "temporarily insane" when I shot
porn scenes 5 years ago b/c I had just gotten out of
and "institution/re-hab(nervous breakdown not ashamed to admit)"
right b4 running out to porn valley..I think it was a reaction to
the "cocktail" shots they give you in the ass while you are in the
hospital lol..I mean anyone who has known me for any length of times
knows I am not at all a sleazy person and I don't enjoy all that
stigma that follows porndom.I never wanted to be known as a
superslut...I honestly think being in men's magazines and shooting
actual scenes are two totally different things.I think the magazine
side is totally respectable and even being the web girl flavor of
the month is respectable .I mean I think everyone has kind of
expected me to run back and shoot a bazillion scenes and be star of
HO-dom..and I just haven't done so.B/c I kep stressing I don't want
to do that kind of stuff ..So for everybody who wants to keep
slapping me with a "label" can kiss it.I am currently in talks with
a guy out of Canada about upcoming projects for print as in a book
hehe...which is something that DOES interest me.I have had all the
connections in the world to help me to make something "major" happen
with my career..and I just don't want to do it unless I can break
away from all the crud that follows me in those old scenes...In fact
I shut down the page that linked to old downloads..I am a real
person with real feelings and a brain..I had someone say to me I
would always be "the pornstar" no matter what I did with my life and
that was why they felt we could not go together...and that right
there really hurt(eventhough this person was far more insnae than
myself ) not to mention pissed me off...b/c it totally reminded me
of all of the immature stuck up wanna- bes in school that I grew up
to rebel against.Everybody's shit stinks and no one person is better
than the other..I don't give a damn who you are or who you think you
are..your shit stinks just as mine does and always will until the
day you die....But being "the pornstar" has hurt me so much more
than helping me in the directions I have wanted to go..not to
mention causes mega drama and makes the shit magnet so much more
powerful..It even caused me to butcher myself on more than one
occassion trying to better better better myself and still not
feeling adequate enough.. you know I almost I think I was meant to
be a lesbian librarian for some odd reason.Thats why all this
negative energy always works against me b/c I am always doing things
I wasn't meant to do..Either that or good things will come to those
who wait and pray lol..OK either way..I am waiting for those things
to come..Yes I am fucking weird and I love it...I have said too much
tonight and enough at the same time...Kisses XOXOXOXOXOXO ME

---