Ok, many of you who know me well know that I am practically fucking deaf on top of everything else challenging me. Yet, for most of my life, i have been able to hear 'well enough' with the help of hearing aids. But my hearing loss is progressive and irreversible, and the last several years has been to the point where I am no longer able to hear much at all, even with the hearing aid(s); In certain situations that give normal people with normal hearing trouble hearing things, I am totally deaf...places like Bars, concerts and strip clubs just to name a few.

When I visit Strip clubs, once I see a woman I think I MIGHT want to spend the rest of the night with exclusively, I will invite her to the most secluded quiet spot and try and seal the deal, followed by either a VIP room stint or some place really secluded (like even the manager's office) I knew a couple deaf strippers, and I have used various alternative means of communicating in a strip club (including etch a sketch) ....

But, as many of you who know me, I let it all hang out here...I am as open as I can be about my life here, and I actually LIKE the fact that I can wear my heart on my sleeve and have come to know many of you sick, miserable, twisted fuckers and whores well enough to call "friends" qualified against the backdrop of internet porn. It is with such sincerity that I must do a mea culpa and apologize to the man I entrusted with my personal security last week, Sergio Travieso. You see folks, I let my newly appointed bodyguard down this past Monday...I was supposed to contact Sergio to set up a plan and then, to celebrate his promotion (and as type of "off the books" compensation), I was going to treat him to a modestly debauched night out at LA's "JET STRIP"... I was supposed to call him around 8 pm Monday night, even speaking to him at 5:30 and specifically telling him I would call him later.

I, da burg, did not call him, nor e-mailed him, for almost 2 days. Why? Well the honest answer is thoroughly embarrasing, but I am going to let myself be humiliated to show my solidarity with my new head of Club Da Burglar Security, in the hopes he continues to be willing to take a bullet, or a fake sillicon malformed tit coming towards my head in the midst of a hideously butcherd lap dance...

Sergio was able to see, in our disappoiting outing to TJs (no)Showgirls Theater, that I cannot fucking hear whatsoever in these places even with my hearing aid cranking on the tiny backup Nuclear reactor inside my Israeli Model. You see, most of my strip club companions that go with me to the clubs end up doing all the talking and ordering for me until I get myself with my girl of the evening into a secluded spot.

<Fast forward to this past monday night, around 7:15 pm.>
GOODpARTS HERE
Da burg is rolling around his Handicapped Equipped minisuite preparing to use the handicappable shower with 9 setting handheld shower nozzle and cushioned shower seat. CAREFULLY, I remove my hearing aid before getting into the shower, placing it on the empty (and DRY) soap dish wall tray above and outside the shower's water reach. But suddenly I am overcome with a raging hardon...out of the blue! Bam! Inst-a-wood....and for me, well this is a Big deal. Now, since I know I am going out to a strip club later, and it IS the JET Strip, and the chicks ARE gorgeous, and SOME of them escort, if I go into the club fully loaded, well, Sergio might have to leave me with a strange whore his first night protecting me, and I dont want to do that to him, so to minimize the chance of me doing anything other than bump-n-grind at the Jet Strip, I decide to take care of this boner right then and there on my Handicap Shower seat, on my COMFORTABLE handicap shower seat.

GOOD PARTS CONTINUE
Ok, brace yourselves folks, and ladies, I cannot be help responsible for any arousal you might feel at the following imagery or words.

*Da Burg points Handheld shower 'south' with one hand and whacks away with the other, like I am choking an angry rooster that was threatening my corn on the cob a few seconds before....*

<Inside da burg's mind, the thought process of this whack off session> "Oh wow, fuck I am horny, ok focus, lets see....Mmm, yeah, Jenna Presley...mmm, nah, havent seen aything of hers lately, Ceara....yeah, wait I could be her father! Ohhh wait, hold that thought....mmm, oh yeah, HOLLY! Tomatoes, mmmm, Holly riding nude on Horses mmmm... Luke ford jumping in the gymboree...wtf? SHIT, how'd he get in here! Focus, dammit, a little faster...ok, Animal House, Bluto and Mandy in the window...yeah, oh yeah, Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi....I hope the Cavs cover the spread tonight I have 300 on them....SHIT!....Back to Holly, reading 'Wuthering Heights' together in a bubble bath, her tits are nice.... need something else, something nastier....Hailey Young???? ** buzzer goes off inside my head, Alex Trebek's voice goes "Sorry, Wrong." ** Back to Ceara Oh shit! Wait, Gia! Baby Gia and that one scene of hers I actually know, Feeding frenzy cum gobbling! yeah Ok ok, wow she looks hot, baby gia and...fuck, Arnold ScwarzenpecKer?!?!?!! That does it I hate porn, as soon as I blow this load I am going back to Sport Illustrated Swimsuit edition only! FOCUS! Dammit hurry up... Holly .... Holly Randall, HElp! Help me with this beastly boner Holly! Holly appears in my bathroom nude with her greenbeans...wait she is on that Horse again, in my bathroom? Oh shit this is just like Braveheart when he rode in and....Noo Holly! Dont throw the bowl....fuck! ahh help! Holly I didnt mean to give Ceara all those banancreams a few strokes ago! Wait, I'll give them to you now watch! <heartrate, bloodpressure are up, whacking away furiously now> Shit! GiGi!?!?!? GiGi is here with her snickerdoodles and nice tits <whacking away a total blur> Ok Hold still Gigi.... hold still gi...Fuck! Holly's horse just took a dump in my shower, luke shows up with a Pail and scooper "Ello Burg, do you often have such fucked up masturbatory fantasies? And why am I in it right this moment?" AhhhhHH!!!!! I Need...t-t-to....finish....ahhh, Yes! Ceara! Ceara to the rescue... Her Oily Butt! Yessssss <ahhh!> Bunny rabbits between the tits <Ahhhhhhh!> Candy Hearts on tongue!!!!!! <spooge> <END Da Burglar Jerk off Transmission>


Ok, now at this point I am thoroughly exhausted and drained mentally, so I absentmindedly reach up to the soap dish looking for ....SOAP.... Instead I absentmindedly grab my hearing aid, fumble with it momentarily surprised it is not soap and then I remember....and THEN, I drop the fucking thing into the shower and the inch of water on the shower floor...My life just took a disastrous turn, all because I had to whack off.

You see, hearing aids and water do not mix. and now I cant even call Sergio and tell him what has happend because I cannot even hear on the phone without it...Unless I can tap Morse code into the keypads and have Sergio....ah fuck it.

So there, now you all know...I spent the next 3 hours blowdrying my hearing aid with a blowdryer...a blowdryer which was NOT in my room originally, unlike all the other rooms that had one...I had to wheeldown to the front desk with a handwritten note explaining that I am deaf and I need a hairdryer...this after shaving my head tis morning. I actually thought about asking the young black girl behind the front desk if she would call Sergio for me and explain to him that I dropped my hearing aid in the shower after whacking off too vigorously, and that I woould not as a result be able to go to the Strip Club with him tonite....I decided against it.


So I apologize Sergio, maybe I can make it up to you next week Before Erotica LA....we'll get Baby Gia to come with us to make sure it all comes off without a hitch.