I traveled into the bad part of LA to buy a gift. It was a close friend's birthday this week and I forgot to get him a present. I had to make amends, but it was pretty specific.

I discounted the first two male prostitutes I met. They were young enough, but wore work boots. I happen to know my friend would freak if anything ruined his parquet floor.

I needed to find one who was HIV+ [my little added surprise] and had a tan line that looked like a strap on.

I met Juan. He fit the bill.

We were negotiating prior to my driving him to my friend's luxurious porn palace when I felt a hand reach around from behind and slide into my front pocket, playing with my loose change.

A mouth came near my ear and insistently whispered "Taylor digs black dudes, you've got it all wrong. Spare change?"

I pulled myself free and stomped down on my attacker's instep. As he hobbled under a streetlight, I got a fleeting glance of a very thin, ill-looking man with a crew cut. Probably a drug abuser. Definitely unemployed.

When I turned around, Juan had run away.

I was unable to deliver my present to my friend. I can only apologize to him here on this public forum.