Dear Mr. Steward,
I thought I would use the wonderful forum that is XPT to write you an open letter about a grave concern that has recently surfaced.
In today's fast-moving world, the gap between the haves and have nots seems to be growing wider and wider every day. Heck, there are many people in the developing world who have to get by on less than a dollar a day.
I know you may think that this is none of your concern, and that these problems are half a world away, but there are problems like these happening not too far from your doorstep, right here in the good old US of A.
So Mr. Steward, whilst you are driving through sunny Southern California in your Lamborghini, making your way home from your profitable pornographic movie business to your lovely house and sexy wife who evidently has great taste in European vampire movies, I'd like you to just take a second to think about the little people out there, and how you can help them.
In fact, I don't wish to be too forward, but I think I have a perfect opportunity for you to help out, and not only will you get that warm, fuzzy feeling inside that only comes from helping out a fellow human being, but you can also show the entire adult industry (and indeed, the wider world) that you are a 'bigger man'.
Recently, it has come to my attention that Wayne 'Wankus' Lewis has been made redundant...no, wait, let me rephrase that, as he was redundant already...has been
fired from his job at KSEX. We all know how difficult it can be to get a job these days, especially when you have no discernable talent, so I was thinking that maybe you could bury the hatchet with Wankus and offer him some work to tide him over for a little while?
If you could find it in your heart to cast him in an upcoming volume of 'Reverse Bukkake', then I would definitely be inclined to put your name forward to the Nobel Prize people.
If it's not too much trouble or imposing too much, could I also please ask if it would be possible to fill out the female cast of this 'Reverse Bukkake' with girls who have a documented history of meth abuse? Apparently, you can get some form of 'contact high' off of a meth addict's piss...sorry, I mean 'squirt'...so I'm sure you can understand just how important this would be to a guy like Wankus. It would make his scene fee last just that little bit longer, I believe.
So, there you have it Mr. Steward, I'm laying down the gauntlet...need I remind you how good 'Mr. Steward does charitable work for the homeless and needy' will look in your upcoming court case? It's a win-win situation all round.
Sincerely,
DanG
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