How about this variant,

Dear Kimberly,

I want you to know that Jesus loves you. Those of us that love Jesus love you. I love you.

I know you are in a terrible place right now, cold, alone, and worried that your cell-mate will sell you as a sex-slave for a half-carton of menthol cigarettes. I'm here to show you the way to accept the love of our lord Jesus into your life.

Ever since I saw your mugshot on a porn message board, the light of your good good heart dancing in your eyes along with the hazy fog from 13 shots of tequila all under a 'healthy' smear of mascara, I knew that I needed to save you. You need me to save you.

By accepting Jesus as your personal saviour, you will see the good in everyone, as I do. When I look at the pictures of you that have been posted on the porn message board, I don't see the tragic sobbing drunk with the weepy eyes, I prefer to see the trashy stripper in the two-piece white thong bikini, transfixing a room with your $700 Tijuana boob job. This is the Kimberly I want the world to see. You are loved.

Please accept this pocket-size book of scriptures my friend Shelley Lubben gave me. It will nourish your soul. I also enclose some of my mother's tollhouse cookies to nourish your body. I've told my mother about you, and she says she'd like to meet you one day. When I told mother about my love for you, she cried too. I'm not sure why.

Courage, my dearest. Take solace in the love of our lord, even in your darkest moments. I long for the day we can read scripture together.

With love from Jesus,

Soopergrizz

PS - how do you feel about anal?

_________________________
You're all still alive?