Prior thread at: http://www.xxxporntalk.com//ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=dvdtalk&Number=194168&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=all&vc=1

#1: whores lie
#2: male performers have NO stroke value
#3: way too much man-ass in hetero porn (please minimize the use of the dreaded "ball-cam" angle. Any amount of time that 70% of the screen is occupied by the dude's ass and nut sack is too much)
#4: double-pen in the same orifice is gay
#5: Generally, European porn stars are much dirtier than their American counterparts
#6: when a dude is getting it up the ass, no matter if it's from a woman, tranny or another dude, it's gay
#7: if you have a small dick and fuck like a chick with a strap on you shouldn't be a stunt cock
#8: interracial gangbangs demonstrate how far we’ve come as a country regarding race
#9: if she doesn’t do anal, and she’s not Christy Canyon, she’s not a legitimate porn star
#10: piss, vomit and/or scat ain't sex(y)
#11: too many tattoos and piercings and it becomes an unpleasant freak show
#12: if you must show cunnilingus, make sure the guy doesn’t have a moustache (see Ron Jeremey and Christy Canyon; looks like the Tribbles Star Trek episode)
#13: the male talent shall keep grunting and moaning to a minimum
#14: don't jump to the guy's face during the money shot
#15: there shall be no unattended pussy in a FFM threesome scene at any time
#16: close up shots have their place, but it's not two thirds of the movie; pull back, establish and let us get on with the important business of jerking off to the whole girl, not just the meat piston
#17: genuine sounds of balls slapping against girl's ass or cock slamming into wet cunt shall not be interrupted by talents' over dramatic moaning or porn banter
#18: The bts interviewer shall not ask how the girl got into porn if she's been doing porn longer than 6 months
#19: if it's a comp, let the box cover say it's a comp; don't dress it up as all new scenes
#20: if the movie is shot in HD, cast must have good complexions (and definitely, no ass zits)
#21: if it's on the box, it shall be in the movie
#22: if an act is described as “her first time”, it shall not be common knowledge that it is far from her first time
#23: unless your name is Andrew Blake, let us hear the actual noises instead of the music, no matter how much you paid your cousin to create it with Pro Tools
#24: squirt is pee (see #10)
#25: every whore has a price
#26: the more cum that lands above her mouth, and the more surprised/upset she is about it, the better; if she actually starts to whimper, it's rewind time
#27: in porn, for every one great boob job, there are 76 shit ones around the corner
#28: someone else’s baby jam on/in a girl is off limits; stick your dick elsewhere or towel her off/make her swallow
#29: nine out of ten whores say they are in porn for the "great sex" and "close friendships," when in reality they are motivated in the following order of importance: 60% money/Donna Karan sunglasses/Gucci handbags; 20% getting back at their fucking asshole parents; 10% support/augment drug dependency’; 10% support suitcase pimp's drug dependency
#30: when a whore says they "don't do drugs any more," it means they still smoke unbelievable amounts of pot, and drink like fishes
#31: not all attention-whores are porn girls, but all porn girls are attention-whores
#32: if you have a catch-phrase, you're a douche
#33: girls turn 18 every day
#34: retired whore makes a comeback = rent is due
#35: for every whore that leaves, two will take her place
#36: whores are never retired, they are just between sex-related “career opportunities”
#37: directors shall keep babbling to a minimum
#38: limit stills; flash bulbs going off is distracting
#39: big-budget porn (e.g. “Conquest”, “Private Gladiator”) is a waste of perfectly good money that could be better spent on costlier sex acts; i.e., would you rather see a wooden ship or an anal gangbang?
#40: slow-motion and replay shall be kept to the barest minimum
#41: if the male talent is taking a long time to cum, edit it out; no one wants to see 60+ seconds of a guy desperately stroking himself off (and moaning) while the female talent mentally composes her shopping list (see #29)
#42: eventually, to maintain interest, female talent will have to do anal (e.g. Eva Angelina)
#43: whores can't do porn forever; sometimes you have to grow up and move on
#44: when a whore holds off anal for too long, no one cares
#45: if you are shot out and get breast implants, you are still shot out
#46: never talk about your kids on your porn site; a real wood killer
#47: how about a girl who sucks beyond the goddamn helmet; half these bitches don't belong in the industry, because they can't give proper head
#48: during anal sex, the phrase “fuck the shit out of me” (or variations thereon) shouldn’t be uttered
#49: the more ridiculously out of place a whore looks in how she's dressed (e.g. hot pants, clear heels, etc.), the better
#50: asses are much improved by being bigger (within reason) and wetter (without reason)...

If I were a Senator or Congressman I'd use #8 as a guise
to gain votes with my constituency or possibly as an add on to an existing bill. (for those of you that browse from the Capitol region).

#51: like Hydra, when one whore dies, another five spring up in her place

"Hercules awaited the Hydra courageously standing his ground as it began its' attack, neither flinching nor moving back one inch of ground! Hercules grabbed his sword and proceeded to slash the heads of the Hydra off one by one, but every time he cut a head off two heads would appear in the one's place! What was worse is the Hydra had a crab that it would send out to attack Hercules as well. Hercules would attack the Hydra only to have the crab attack him at his heel.

Hercules now needed patience and intelligence two qualities that he possessed. With one strike of his sword Hercules killed the attacking crab biting at his heel. Hercules then called Iolas's nephew to bring a flaming torch. The Hydra seeing the death of the crab began to attack Hercules far more viciously. As the Hydra attacked Hercules would slice off a head, and Iolas's nephew would burn the wound where the head was just previous, not allowing two more heads to grow in its' place. However, the head at the center of the Hydra was immortal so Hercules cut if off and buried it deep within the Earth covering it with sand and slabs of heavy rock. Now finally the Hydra was far beyond the reach of man, and Hercules had fulfilled one more task on his road to redemption!

It is said that Hercules's arrows were dipped in the bile of the Hydra which was so poisonous that even a glance of an arrow from Hercules meant certain death!"

I know the Hydra myth. But the quote, though inspired by it, is from a 20th century movie. I just can't place it

Conky was right!? I've seen that damn movie too many times, but still don't remember that quote. Damn you Conky, damn you to hell, boy!!

Anyway, laws of porn. Ummm, I've got nothing. Whores lie? Is that one taken? It is?

If you want to convey the same or similar sentiment without the Hydra controversy:

Whores are like a pair of shoes. When you wear through the soul, throw them away and get a new pair.

Laws #35 and #51 need to be amalgamated, or #35 needs to be ammended to include #51, because otherwise they are too similar.

gen-dat theogony or fabulae?

Sorry, conk, I blame the .

Like Jenna, these laws could be tightened up a bit. I count at least four versions of "keep the guy out of the shot", and also multiple takes on "porn whores hang around too long and never really retire when they should".

When Fatman gets back, we can assign him the editing as homework. Or just wait until my third glass of Beam and I'll start on it myself...

"For every FLOP you strike down, two suggestions will rise to take its place, until even Fatman cannot edit them all!"

Only starting my second glass, and I'm double posting, but this important work needs to move ahead while I can still spell:

#2: male performers have NO stroke value
#3: way too much man-ass in hetero porn (please minimize the use of the dreaded "ball-cam" angle. Any amount of time that 70% of the screen is occupied by the dude's ass and nut sack is too much)
#7: if you have a small dick and fuck like a chick with a strap on you shouldn't be a stunt cock
#12: if you must show cunnilingus, make sure the guy doesn’t have a moustache (see Ron Jeremey and Christy Canyon; looks like the Tribbles Star Trek episode)
#13: the male talent shall keep grunting and moaning to a minimum
#14: don't jump to the guy's face during the money shot
#16: close up shots have their place, but it's not two thirds of the movie; pull back, establish and let us get on with the important business of jerking off to the whole girl, not just the meat piston
#32: if you have a catch-phrase, you're a douche
#41: if the male talent is taking a long time to cum, edit it out; no one wants to see 60+ seconds of a guy desperately stroking himself off (and moaning) while the female talent mentally composes her shopping list (see #29)


-->

People don't watch hetero porn for the male talent. They may like the director's style (Max) or what the stunt cock itself brings to the scene (IR, Northian cum shot), but they really don't want to spend a lot of time looking at or listening to the meat puppet or covering their eyes so as to not have to look at excessive body hair. Focus on the whore's reactions, keep as much of the girl as you can in the shot as much as possible, and never let the dude's balls or ass take up the whole damn screen. This goes double for the money shot.

#25: every whore has a price
#27: in porn, for every one great boob job, there are 76 shit ones around the corner
#33: girls turn 18 every day
#34: retired whore makes a comeback = rent is due
#35: for every whore that leaves, two will take her place
#36: whores are never retired, they are just between sex-related “career opportunities”
#42: eventually, to maintain interest, female talent will have to do anal (e.g. Eva Angelina)
#43: whores can't do porn forever; sometimes you have to grow up and move on
#44: when a whore holds off anal for too long, no one cares
#45: if you are shot out and get breast implants, you are still shot out

-->
With very few exceptions, whores are shot out pretty quickly, but will try to extend their career by any means possible. Pretty soon, noone cares. New boobs are not a "new look" (Eva, Daphne). A new girl is a new look, and new girls turn 18 every day. Move on to other sex-related career opportunities before your "fans" decide you are too shot out to spend money on your feature dancing or escorting services.

Personally, I liked the FLOP as they were. There may be some redundance, but I feel it's necessary, in order to get the point through these dumb whore's skulls. IMO.

Maybe it would be a little easier if the FLoP were divided into distinct sub-categories, i.e.

Female Talent ('If you're shot out and get a boob job...')
Male Talent ('Shut up! Nobody wants to hear your babbling')
Directors ('Don't cut to the guy's face when he's coming!')

...and so on

We need to add this one.

46. Porn whores make bad moms.

She can't get her bra off. Too much starch.

Quote:

---

like too short and biggie said in "the world is filled with pimps and ho's": "you can't turn a ho into a housewife!" except for me. i'm a good little housewife. well, except for the laundry. fucking hate that shit.

---

LOL, I love laundry. Its relaxing. Dishes, on the other hand.