Euro Girls Never Say No
Platinum X Produced and directed by Manuel Ferrara and Steve Holmes
Starring Michelle Wild, Sissi, Simony, Cornellia, Sandra Romain, etc.
European girls never say no? Well, that’s a comforting thought, because American chicks say no all the goddamn time. What is it about the old world that makes the women there so brazenly hot and bothered, so likely to peel off their fussy rags and get greasy on any random hotel bed for a few Lira? Is it enlightenment, or table wine? Or is it because they film flicks like these in Budapest, where everybody is so fuckin’ broke they’d blow dogs for Levis or Coca Cola? For whatever reason, a rich pornocopia of milky thighs, meaty asses, and painful accents await the predatory cocksmen across the waters, and in “EGNSN”, we get a slippery, high-octane blast of decidedly foreign sluts and their slits, hosted by a couple studs that know the territory well. Despite the Hispanic and Hollywood tang of the co-directors nom de porns, both of the vid's creators are, in fact, European themselves- Ferrara is a Frenchie, and Holmes is a Draculanian. This gives them a distinct advantage over the blow-dried Cali sex Huns that often invade the picturesque city of Budapest, and end up filming well-worn tramps with broken teeth and vodka breath, hoping they look ‘exotic’ enough for the “strange pussy” fans. These boys have their ears to the cobblestone streets and their noses to the acrid winds, and have sniffed out the finest flesh Eastern Europe has to offer. And then they fucked their brains right out of their foreign heads.
Cover girl Michelle Wild gets the first plowing. She’s a dark-haired, curvy beauty that resembles a particularly fetching vampiress. Nothing ghoulish about the way she takes on both of her men here, though. Artistic flourishes abound- it is Europe, after all- and we get to see Wild smoke cock and a cigarette at the same time, the grey puffs of tobacco swirling out of her hungry mouth and into the air like an escaping soul. The camera folds in and out of itself, maintaining an almost dreamy atmosphere as Wild services the two king-sized dicks with passion, energy, and a minimum of jokey broken English. This is a great scene, although I was hoping for some weird Euro-sex tricks in there somewhere. There is a titfuck-to facial finale which looks damned complicated to pull off, but Wild handles it like a pro, and only ends up with a spoonful or so of gunk in her black hair. At any rate, Wild is one of the prettiest looking girls I’ve seen in a “Gonzo” feature in awhile- no yellow teeth, bruises, or zits to be found, and the only unruly bushes are on the guys. And, ya know, that’s the way they keep ‘em over there.
In a brilliant fake-out scene reminiscent of 60’s sex comedies, Manuel blows off Steve’s request for breakfast because he’s too busy getting blown himself by an amazing looking pair of hussies, Simony and Cornelliah, in the second scene. Blondes, redheads, lesbo make-out scenes galore, lingerie, a Vegas style double riding climax…this one’s got it all. Pure flash and heat.
As the ‘story’ continues, Manuel finally meets up with Steve at a café and the two of them babble in heavily accented English. “I am zorry for being late, I vas vith two beautiful ladeez, no?” Like that. The two split to visit a bearded Frenchman porn director buddy of John’s, and John and Frenchy and up pulling some double anal hijnks on the ready and willing Vivienne La Roche. I’ve only seen this stunt pulled once or twice, and it never ceases to amaze. She doesn’t even cry, or scream, or call the cops, or nothin’. Crazy. Personally, I think that’s a little too close for comfort when it comes to another man’s penis, but hey, they’re European, so anything goes.
John picks up a couple whores on the street next. He shoves $100 bills up their asses, and they dangle there as the girls blow him. Nice. One of the chicks (Melissa Golden? The menu gets a bit confusing a this point) looks a bit too much like a tarted-up Soviet bloc manicurist for my tastes, but her ginger haired pal has a truly sexy anal scene, which more than makes up for it. There’s a multiple partner, multiple orifice grande finale with Stella Hot and Ronita too, but I was, uh…worn out at that point. And that’s pretty much the highest recommendation you can give a porn flick.
“EGNSN” also contains plenty of DVD bonuses too, including a truly awesome cumshot recap. This one is about a million miles away from the raw savagery of stateside Platinum X features, and while it’s not exactly ‘couples porn’ – unless you’re a double anal couple, of course- it does have the same veneer of class and sophistication you’ll find in Wicked or Simon Wolf flicks, only with no tawdry plotlines to gum up the action. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go put my dick on ice. Michelle Wild, huh? Goddamn.
-Sleazegrinder
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