I drink every night.

Kettle One and Club Soda with a lime. Started off at my favorite dive bar, but got kicked out at 9pm when there was a bartender switch. The girl who came on shift kicks me out every time she's working. This has been going on for about 3 years ever since I kind of told her that she was dressed like a slut. I also texted her back then to tell her she has a big, juicy fat ass. And I think I told her the tattoo she has on her back that' supposed to be a red sun with radiant heat waves coming off it just looks like a bloody bullet hole. Strangely, when she isn't working, we get along great. She recently hugged me and told me she loves me and thinks I'm a great guy.The cute girl who went off shift at 9 recently gave me her number, but she won't reply to me and I assume it's because she talked to the other bartender about me.

From there we proceeded to a backup bar that has mostly the same type of crowd. The only cute girl there was in the smoking lounge with some dorky dude who kept telling horrible jokes all night. It threw off my game and I asked her for her number too soon. She just started working at the bar, so I'll see her again. She said she'd like to go hunting.

Tried to go home after that but got a text from a friend across town and got dropped off at the bar he was at. We both popped Molly and I proceeded to try to keep myself amused. I bummed a cigarette off the girl next to me at the bar and for no apparent reason I told her that her mother is a whore. She punched me and stormed off. But she came back. She's given me a number of different names, so I've just started calling her "5 Names." Then she came up with another name, so now she is "6 Names." I grab her jiggly ass every time I see her until she stops me and tells me I'm being inappropriate. I think of it as "our little thing."

At 3am, I met a girl with several missing teeth. She had the names of her children tattooed on her fingers and one was named Hermione, but not after the Harry Potter character. I got her number after she told me she was an independent seamstress (whatever that is) and could stitch me a canvas cover for my BBQ grill. I talked her into driving us home. She had an interlock device on her car, but somehow fooled it and blew a .000 and then immediately sideswiped the pickup truck next to us while pulling out of her parking space. She tried to drive away, but the pickup owner stopped her. Luckily my friend knew him and he let her go without calling the police. She dropped us off but wouldn't come in with me. Her name was Pepper Jane.

I locked myself out of the house without my shirt on once. Luckily, my grandmother lived next door and had an arctic entryway where she kept her wheelchair. I passed out on that and almost gave her a heart attack when she opened her door in the morning. She gave me a tiny brown sweater to wear that I could only button the middle button on. I remember wearing that and laying out in the sun on a lawn chair while some woman locksmith picked my lock. "Wow! That must've been some drinking party last night!" was her comment. Oh, I also jumped out of a moving vehicle that night when my friend was taking me home. I guess I didn't want him to have to come to a complete stop.

I just had a bout of the (mostly) dry heaves. I did spit out something pink, but I can't tell if it's blood or just pizza sauce from the late-night pizza binge after getting home.

No kids. Probably won't have any. I do have a cat and for a while my big worry was that I might flop down on her while drunk and kill her like Christopher Moltisanti did to his girlfriend's little dog on the Soprano's. But my cat is too alert to let something like that happen to her.

I hear ya on the older ya get, the longer the hangover lasts. Even if I'm going out to get good and boozy, I try to just do it on Fridays, so come Monday I'm human again.

I locked myself out of the house without my shirt on once. Luckily, my grandmother lived next door and had an arctic entryway where she kept her wheelchair. I passed out on that and almost gave her a heart attack when she opened her door in the morning. She gave me a tiny brown sweater to wear that I could only button the middle button on. I remember wearing that and laying out in the sun on a lawn chair while some woman locksmith picked my lock. "Wow! That must've been some drinking party last night!" was her comment. Oh, I also jumped out of a moving vehicle that night when my friend was taking me home. I guess I didn't want him to have to come to a complete stop.

I do have a cat

Be sure to have some white bread on hand. That's all those boys ever eat.

For the price, Svedka is a great vodka. I've mostly been drinking Grey Goose at home and Kettle One at the bars. The better the vodka, the better (more accurately, less bad) I feel the next day.

Steezo drunkenly conquers the willing, unwanted kids follow.

The barfly will puncture condoms and/or inject itself with his slerp.


Kitty gets dosed with every feeding for penile colonics.

Call PETA, Alcoholics Anonymous and the cops already.

Had a drambuie at home. Living the hard party life!

Drambuie? I will only drink that with one Italian friend, at his insistence. Then, I make him drink Bourbon.

(Oh wait, sorry...it's Sambuca he makes me drink. I still don't care for Drambuie)

no absinthe, but when I bummed through Greece I did enjoy all the homemade Ouzo from the various locales.

Jeez, she wants some Steezo. Don't go to Germany.

Didn't someone suggest that she was actually Katja Kassin? If so, she used to date a dude from Alaska that one of my swinger friends knows.

Tito's vodka with gingeraide Kombucha tea. Not sweet at all yet savory.