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If she isn't back in 2 weeks I'm contacting the authorities to free her from your double-secret anal-lab!!

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If my nostrils detect approaching bacon, she gets moved to my triple-secret double anal lab. I don't think she'll mind.

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All I can think of after reading this is Silence of the Lambs.

"It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again"

And while I am thinking about this scene I have a strange desire to watch Futurama.

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Extremely hilarious!