almost a year i adopted a congo african grey parrot. it came, i was told, from a very abusive situation. it had originally been bought by an older woman who did not realize the time and care these birds require. when she found she was not able to properly care for the bird she attempted to find it a new home. she entrusted it to a young college student. in its new home the bird was not very happy. the young man kept it in a cage that was far too small for such a large bird, and never took it out. he did not buy it toys because it destroyed them (note: if a bird destroys a toy, that means it's a good toy, buy it another one), only fed and watered it once a week, and only cleaned its cage once a month. when it yelled he would throw things at the cage. eventually he stuck it in his closet so he would not have to listen to it. it spent all of its days in a dark closet with no light, toys, or even clean water. someone notified authorities and, thankfully, the bird was rescued. this is when i met nattie.

when i met nattie she had plucked out all of her feathers, save for the ones on her head she could not reach, she was terrified of all people, and had no idea how to play. one of the people at the bird rescue gave me a great deal on a giant cage, and i filled it with toys. i even went so far as to get in the cage myself and spent literally hours showing her how to play. it was idiotic, i admit, but it was worth it the first time i saw her chewing on one of her shredding toys (nattie loves to shred ). it took months to get her to trust me, but finally she let me in. she is now my best buddy. no joke, she does not like me to be out of her sight for two seconds. i have situated her cage in my apartment, in the dining area, so that she can see me everywhere except in the bathroom. when i'm taking a shit, or something, she calls out to me to make sure i'm okay. when someone strange comes over she bites my ear gently to warn me of danger. she is terribly jealous of my labs, don quixote and emma bovary, though she tolerates their presence. she talks constantly, her favorite phrase being, "shut the door!" (which is misleading, because closed doors scare her something awful). i suppose she picked it up at one of her previous homes. anytime i leave she rushes to the front of her cage and yelps at me, "come back!". i say "come back" and she is okay to let me go. some of her feathers are starting to grow back in under her wings, but many will never grow back. she is frightful to look at, but i cannot imagine a sweeter, brighter, more devoted pet. i named her "nattie" when i first got her because i liked to called her "nappy", and i liked the way "nappy nattie" sounded. i still do. i realize how this story comes across, on this forum, but i do not care. i love nattie. she's my girl.

but...

nattie is always learning new words and sounds. she is truly amazing this way. she barks and can be indistinguishable from either don or emma. when she starts to try to say new things she makes some interesting sounding clucks, squeaks, and other assorted sounds. about a week ago i was listening to her trying out some new vocalizations, and i swear to god, i went absolutely limp and had to hold myself up against the kitchen counter. my face burned and my hands even began to tingle. i tell you this, the sounds she was making were identical to the pitiable sounds emitted by the young ladies whose throats are being viciously invaded by max hardcore in his euro version videos. i sat down, stunned. gradually, i convinced myself that i was just imagining this, that my guilt over these terrible videos i pleasure myself to was simply making me imagine things. my tell-tale heart. so i forgot about it. nattie and i watched futurama and went to bed. i haven't thought about it since. silliness.

but...

i was just now typing up my outlines for a speech i am due to give next thursday, and nattie was chattering away, making her "gag factor" sound effects. i smiled to myself, at my foolishness. suddenly, out of nowhere, i heard, plain as day, nattie, in a pathetic, pleading tone, begging- "max, i can't breathe!".
















i hate myself.

hey big moose, hows it goin?

Thats reminds me of the time my cat Chinaski tried to give me a blowjob. I think she sensed I was sad due to the mechanical way I stroked her fur. She stomped on my face with her padded feet, and even licked my face but I didn't budge. It wasn't until she wondered between my legs and noticed a big pillar of flesh that I had to chuck her off me. Sometimes I wonder who she thinks I am. I mean, I know am her master, but who does she think she is to me?