Although da burg in length this is pretty fucked up , and i feel bad for laughing at some points but I also have the song "the only one that could ever reach me was the daughter of an alcoholic preacher man" running through my head, so I can't feel that bad . I liked when her father called her at 17 and asked if she was still a virgin or a whore like her mother .



Who am I?

Well, first of all my real name is Christina not Crissy and my last name is not Moran.

I grew up in Jacksonville, FL. Most of my life has been a constant search for happiness and love. I remember the happiest years. My earliest happy memories were between the ages of 4 - 11. I was raised in a peaceful christian home. My parents loved each other. We would go to church every time the doors were open. When we weren't in church we would talk about God and pray. My dad was a pastor in a church when I was younger but was always active in church in some capacity. My mom sang on the choir. She loved to sing and was always singing every where she went. She would cook, clean, and do most everything while singing praises to God. My daddy was gentle and loving. I have a younger brother who is two years younger than me. He was my best friend. My most favorite memory is sitting on my daddys lap with my head on his chest and hearing his heartbeat and listening to him read the bible to me. It always gave me so much comfort. He would tell me that he was my "daddy" but God was my "father". I fell asleep peacefully many times in his lap while he would rock me. We were so financially poor and I never even knew it. I was saved when I was just 11 years old. I lived for God and loved him with all my heart!

When I was about 12 years old things began to change drastically in my life. My dad always would talk to me about God and tell me I was a virgin of Israel and to stay that way until I was married. We moved a few times and my dad began to let different people live in our home. We had a crippled man living with us at one point and then another time my dads work buddy and his son who was my age. While they lived with us my dad began to change. I still remember the first time I saw a beer in his hand. My heart felt like it stopped. His work friend drank heavily and soon they became drinking buddies. Then his drinking buddies just started coming out of the woodwork and he stopped going to church with us. He still preached and when he would get drunk he would feel the need to tell all his buddies how I was a virgin of Israel and if any man every touched me he would kill them. I would get so embarrassed and so would my mom. I could always sense men lusting after me even at a young age. I felt many of his friends looked at me with lust even though I was a little girl. When I would be alone with his friends they would make weird remarks about how pretty I was and it gave me the creeps. My dads buddies son was the 4th person to molest me. This is something I just dealt with because I saw the way the little boys father beat him and I was scared he would kill him. He always had bruises and was way knowlegable about sex and I could tell by the things he would do to me. I would fight him kicking and screaming and my little brother would always try to jump him when he could. I would feel so dirty but a couple of people had already molested me in my life. I was afraid also because my dad always said he would kill anyone who would touch me. Eventually they moved out.

My dad had become an alcoholic. My mom still took us to church and we just began being with her more and my dad was left out of the equation. His thinking became irrational. My mom was fearful of him and so were my brother and I. He would go out to bars and come home with gun shots, broken knuckles, and with bruises and blood on him. He would say he was preaching the word and someone didn't like it. He started being very mean to my mom. One time he flipped over our dinner table because she cooked something in the microwave and he expected everything to be fresh and homemade. He started using his fists to break car windshields, our french doors, and anything else that was around when he would become enraged. He started giving us spankings more often but a lot of times my mom would intervene and say she would do it because she feared he was too angry and would hurt us. He still preached the word all the while. One day close to Christmas my mom and dad had went to his work Christmas party. We stayed home alone and when they got home they were fighting. My brother and I were in our bedroom crying as we heard my parents arguing. My dad ripped my moms beautiful red satin dress off of her and I heard things being thrown in the other room. My dad was calling my mom a whore and telling her as she ran out the front door if she took us away from him he would kill her. Often when they would fight she would take me and my brother with her over to my grandmas house. She left us there this time. We were scared wondering what would happen next. My dad gave us both a trash bag and told us to pack up some of our things and throw the bags into the back of the truck. He then drove away with us to another city close to Orlando. We weren't allowed to call our mom for a few days. When we finally could we weren't allowed to tell her where we were.

After a couple of weeks he moved us into a half trailer/ half house on a dirt road. My dad would cry the most saddest cries I have ever heard anyone cry over my mom. He would tell us how much he loved her and how heartbroken he was. My mom started coming out to visit us on the weekends and holidays. He would beg her to stay and be a family with us. Other times he would be a raging lunatic and getting drunk and scaring all of us. He could change so quickly and we never knew how he would act at any given time or situtation. My moms visits began to slow down. I was about 13 and having a hard time in school. I went from being a straight A student to now making one or 2 C's. I was now the woman of the house (as my dad called me). I had to make his lunches, cook dinner, clean, grocery shop, do laundry at the laundry mat, and take care of my dad. He would pass out all the time. He would preach to us all the time but even though he preached God's word it was coming out of the mouth of a drunken man. My dad and I would stay up for hours debating the word of God. He would come home from the bars beat up, pass out in his truck or in the front yard, or do embarrassing things like climb the tree in our front yard and sing as loud as he could "Glory, glory hallelejah!". We were so poor that the church would donate us food and gifts on holidays. He was drinking all our money away. Not only was I dealing with this but kids at school were picking on me. They said I was the ugliest girl in the school and would make fun of my lips, nose, eyes, and my clothes. Kids would even try to fight me but I was so shy and unconfrontational that I would try to walk away. I did get in a couple of fights with boys in my neighborhood and of course I would kick their butts! I had so much inside I was holding in!! I was a very sad and depressed little girl and totally confused about God but I still have faith he was there and things would get better.

One day my mom announced that she was getting remarried. My dad flew into a rage and told my mom and soon to be stepdad he would kill them both. He cried all the time still and prayed with us that our mommy would come home and be the kind of woman God wanted her to be. I didn't blame her myself. I decided to go live with my mom and my brother told me he would stay and take care of daddy. I told my dad and he cried and asked me what was he going to do without me he said first your mom leaves me and now you are. I told him that I am becoming a woman and I need my mom. I was strong and made the move.

When I first moved in I thought I was rich! I had never been in as nice of a house as my stepdads! He was a policeman and of course wasn't rich but I didn't know better. I thought all of my dreams of having a normal life were going to come true! I got to buy pretty clothes for once in my life and start wearing makeup. I started going to high school and all of a sudden people weren't picking on me anymore. I was actually nominated in my home room for Homecoming Princess my first year in high school. I didn't make it past the nomination in my homeroom but I was very shocked. I figured it was the pretty clothes and makeup because I was still the same girl on the inside. (Til this day I have a fear of being seen without my makeup and am very insecure!) My home life was not very good though. My mom was very insecure herself and devoted every minute of her time to my stepdad. I used to hug and kiss her but my stepdad told me I was getting too old for that. They would go in their bedroom and lock their door at night and I was not allowed to knock on the door at that point for any reason. My stepdad would tell me I acted like "trailer trash" like my dad and make fun of me for not liking some of the meals he cooked because I was used to "poor peoples food". I had bad posture and no real table manners. My mom would just sit quietly as he ridiculed me. A few times she would defend me but he would say something to her and she would back down again. I started to become rebellious and even more depressed. There were times I would say mean things back to him and cry and walk away. I had lost respect for either of them. I would try to stay with girl friends from school and get close to their mothers but it wasn't the same.

High school life was weird for me. I was friends with mostly everyone but went through friends in phases. I felt no one was really accepting of me. My grades plummeted big time and from 9th grade - 11th grade I barely made it through. I made mostly F's. I would come home from school every day and listen to music, cry, and write my feelings. I expressed myself through poetry which I shared with my friends at school and various letters I would write and not show anyone. I was in a very dark place. I liked a few boys at school but they barely noticed me. The ones who did would spend time with me and we wouldn't have intercourse but still mess around and they would tell everyone they slept with me. My dad kept calling me and aksing me if I was still a virgin or if I had become a whore like my mom and my mom just told me to tell her when I had sex so she would put me on birth control. I was so confused. Both boys and girls had molested me all my life and now I was starting to enjoy it. I started to feel like the boys liked me because I was pretty now and maybe they would love me. I lost my virginity at the age of 17 to a much older man. I felt so much guilt but then I was a little excited about it at the same time like I was getting back at my parents. I was also feeling like I was loved now. God was still in my heart but I started to push him away.

I dated the guy I lost my virginity to for about a year and then dated a new guy. This guy would come over and watch TV with me at my parents house but most of the time my parents would tell me to have him come and get me and hang out at his house. This boyfriend was the one I wanted to marry. I always thought about what it would be like to have his baby and have a family of my very own. I thought that if I had a baby I would have someone who would always love me no matter what! One morning as I was getting ready school I got sick. I didn't think much of it until it happened more often. I had my boyfriend bring over a pregnancy test and sure enough I was pregnant. I was so excited that I was going to get married and have a baby! I was in 11th grade and it was almost summer. A couple days after we found out my stepdad asked me if I was because he saw me run to the bathroom and get sick. I told him I was and he told my mom. They asked me if my boyfriend was going to marry me and take care of me and I told him yes that was the plan. A few days later my boyfriend said he changed his mind. My mom told me I had to have an abortion. I was mortified! This was my baby, my one true love! They said I needed to finish up summer school for 11th grade and my senior year and since my boyfriend wasn't going to be able to support me that was all I could do. I told them I didn't know how I was going to take care of my baby but that I would somehow and that atleast I could give my baby the one thing they never gave me and that was LOVE! I was so rebellious and hurt.

A week later my boyfriend took me to the abortion clinic with the money my mom gave him for the abortion. I went through the counseling and everything and I cried the whole time. When it came time to do the sonogram they asked me if I would like to see it. I said yes. I looked and they pointed to the heart and said see this is the heartbeat. I saw this tiny little thing beating and I felt the life inside of me. I realized it was really there now. My very own baby! I began to cry hysterically and told them I couldn't do it and they escorted me out to my boyfriend and told him the news. He looked mad and drove me home. When we walked in the door my mom asked me how I was feeling. I just ran into the bathroom crying and she asked my boyfriend if I did it and he said no. When I came out she confronted me about it and I told her how I felt. She took me back herself a few days later and made sure I did it. I wasn't knocked out during the procedure because I didn't want to cost my mom any extra money. I was awake listening to the machine suck the life out of me. I was screaming and crying and three people were holding me down telling me to be still or I would damage something and not be able to have kids in my future. Kids at school found out about it that summer in summer school because I confided in a couple of my close friends. No one looked at me again the same way.

My senior year I stopped being friends with everyone and concentrated on school In order to walk with my class I had to make almost all straight A's, take no electives, and go to night school The dean didn't think I could do it but I did and I walked with my class.

SO... this is how it all began... the childhood of a victim of abuse and pornstar who is broken and still searching for true love.



P.S. Don't feel sad for me for going through this. I know there is a reason and I think it is to help others. God allowed me to go through this to strengthen me. There is much more to share and I will when God tells me it is time.