I turned in forms for medical insurance today. I don't understand. The benefits package booklet was small and xeroxed and had three different organization names. I called HR this morning and she gave me a fourth. She goes "It will take 2 to 3 weeks for your insurance card to come in the mail" and I goes "What if I need to file a claim in the meantime? Where do I get a provider listing? Where are the forms? Is there a website? Can you please help me, please?" and she says "Uh, yeah, uh I could look those up foir you or you could call the 1877 number in your benefit packet. It's up to you. Claim forms are in bins in fronmt of the security desk enclosure" and said it in such a way as to make me feel resourceless and impotent, so I went "Okay. Thank you for your time" with a sincerity that made me cringe after I hung up. I was angry at myself for b eing upset and anxious. I wanted to slkice my wrists and bleed right there over the third tier grating, bleeding into the other teirs until my blood met the porous concrete at the bottom and was absorbed forever more. How did this happen? How did I get to be an adult and be so lost? I can't navigate. I need help. Like Private Pyle in 'Full Metal Jacket'. I'm just so sad. I thought about what Rita the HR woman would think if she knew I'd masturbated to Tiffany Rayne's scene in the horrible 'Throatgaggers 9' this morning before my menial shift. She'd probably shake her head share derisive adult commenatary on the sort of young man I am with the other supervisory/office staff, more than a few of whom are younger than me. It makes me sad and very desperate. Geez. How'd this happen? I want to be an adult too. I want to be able to handle stuff. I want to be able to build a deck. I want to have a stock portfolio. I want to marry a woman and build a life with her. All withoiut patting myself on the back for every ordinary step in the process. Instead, I make interest only payments on a balloooning credit card bill and hold down menial jobs where I don't have to make decisions or eye contact. I let the love of my life go too recently, telling her that I'm not the man she deserves and that I didn't want to hold her back and that it was too much for me to handle, that last part being the heart of the matter. Anyway, now all I want to do is attend an orgy that looks like this while I'm drunk and armed: