Today I had LUNCH with MAX and Jackie. Max is a character. Jackie isn't. Shes LA. Shes the type that doesn't get married for love, doesn't stay married and isn't slow to judge. And to make matters worse, there is no beauty that eclipes her appearance. Max on the other hand is impossible to describe. Let's just say he's not a person to be trusted.

As odd as this may sound, I meet Max and Jackie at a place called The Stinking Rose on La Cienega Boulevard. I thought things couldn't get more LA than this. Jackie said something about salmonella, I wasn't listening nor did I care. Max didn't care either, but he pretended to laugh. I laughed at him pretending, then we all laughed for different reasons before going inside.

We sat near the middle of the fscking place (something I hate), then we talked about driving a cucumber down a road in the Sahara desert and how it would start to snow. I said I would pull over and bake a badger in cactus and fly off to dinner with Daniella's head pumped full of nitrous oxide. Max said something about cows having their legs shaven off and Jackie said the color purple was between the number 1 and 3.

When we finally got to ordering I told the kind waitress (a fscking smoking HOT blonde) that I wanted the garlic roasted prime rib with midwestern corn fed beef. She said the prime was 100% US certifed. As she said this I imagined her replacing the words "US certifed" with "fresh-shaven-pussy" and thought meals would taste better if they were birthed from a cervical cavity.
Max ordered lemon-baked atlantic salmon with garlic caper sauce and Jackie had baked portobello mushroom on a bed of roasted vegetables... something I thought compliemented her shaving her legs with a cream free of chlorofluorocarbons.

After LUNCH Max said something about UFOs bringing a new form of cow to earth and Jackie looked visibly disturbed. I burped and told them about how I found the waitress so attractive that had she served my meal naked and urinating I probably would have let her shower my glass with the uric acid before taking giant bites of the prime-rib and swallowing without chewing. We then laughed hard and Max picked the cheque and we left in a billow of smoke to a nebula.