I've decided that either porn stars should not be allowed to have friends outside of the sex industry or they should be put into containment camps like we did with the Japs in World War II.

It's porn entrepreneur Taylor Wane's fault that I feel this way. Recently, I was to meet a metal band called Nile. I didn't know anything about the band aside from their name, which led me to believe they were from Egypt, so I decided to have some fun with them. Being from Egypt I thought they'd enjoy it if I dressed up as a pharaoh.

Then I thought, 'Everyone loves T&A, I should get a sexy lady to come with me dressed as Cleopatra.' I decided to call Taylor because she's a good sport and has a great sense of humour. She loved the idea.

The next day we went to a costume shop, picked out our outfits and I bought a rubber chicken. Afterwards, we returned to her place and had crazy circus sex that involved every one of her orifices. That's a lie. She just gave us a tour of her home, showing us where all the magic happens on her own personal porn set equipped with bed, whipping post, sex swing and anything else one might need to film a dirty movie.

As we were leaving and saying our goodbyes she gave me, my photographer and my filmer a bag full of DVDs each. Inside was a variety of movies from Taylor's catalogue with her bent, folded and opened up in every possible manner. We kindly thanked her and returned to our hotel. That night, in our separate rooms, we lay awake in our beds each having simulated sex with Taylor for hours on end.

The next day at breakfast no-one spoke. We looked long into our eggs with shame. I finally asked the others, "So. Did you guys watch any of Taylor's movies last night?" Like Peter towards Jesus of Nazareth, they each denied me three times, yet their faces told the truth. I told them it was OK, that I had, in fact, watched Taylor in compromising positions, including this film where she masturbates using her ass (as the title indicates). One lad began to cry. He admitted he watched all the DVDs and got no sleep at all. He then confessed he didn't think he could shoot Nile that afternoon out of fear he would be thinking filthy thoughts about Taylor the entire time and most likely would not be able to keep his camera still.

We all felt the same way. There was no-one to blame but Taylor herself. She was far too nice to us. Even her husband welcomed us into their house and made us feel comfortable. In our few hours together we cultivated a friendship and she had to go and throw her goddamn vagina into the mix, in typical porn fashion, and screw everything up. I mean, at one point she was letting us hold a mould of her ass (available on her website) and telling us to put our fingers in the hole, while saying, "That's really what my ass feels like."

Now you tell me how the hell a man is supposed to have a normal, platonic relationship with a beautiful, big-breasted woman and discuss politics and wedding planning after he's had his digit in her fake ass? It's just not right, I tell you. These people are sick and they need to be caged up. End of story.