The deviant grot flick that unloads all over the face of Mother Nature....
Although this has been referred to as "that rotten trannie video" by everyone I know who has watched it (eg, "I watched that rotten trannie video last night, it made me sick," or, "What is wrong with that man's arse in that rotten trannie video you lent me?"), its full and proper name is Allanah Starr's Big Boob Adventures, and its tagline is Tawdry Tales Of The Third Sex.
The good news is that, unlike most films, there are no lies or false promises on the cover. Allanah does indeed have big boobs. The film is an adventure (of sorts). It most definitely is tawdry. And it does involve a third sex (kind of). So all things considered, great start. The bad news is that from here on things go downhill faster than an elephant on rollerskates trying to win a smalltown cheese-rolling competition.
The action starts with Gia Darling and Allanah Starr together. Gia is saying how pleased she is that Allanah is in her movie. They are wearing powder-blue tops with white lace trim, which are three, perhaps four sizes too small to rein in their comical enormo-breasts. Gia and Allanah stop talking, and A LESSON IN BAD EDUCATION appears on the screen.
This opening scene works on the premise that Allanah is Gia's daughter. The latter (Pamela Anderson photofit face and a man's voice) drops the former (butt like two planets colliding) off at home and tells her to get on with her homework as her 'math' teacher Mr Davenport says she's failing in school.
"Just because you have those big udders doesn't make you special," mother tells daughter, like any caring parent would. She warns her not to have any boys in her room. Allanah shrugs and replies, "Oh mother, you are so 80s!" She walks across the sidewalk, but before she can make it to her front door she bumps into her Hispanic homeboy, Shaun. She explains her predicament. Not that she looks like a cross between a Linda Lusardi sex doll and a mad baby, but that she has to do her math homework and can't come out to play.
"I got an A on my math test. Maybe I can help," he offers, quite clearly lying. Allanah is reluctant to let him in the house. "My mother wouldn't like it. Not since she found three boys in my closet last week," she explains. What she doesn't explain is that, as she looks like a scary, sexually confused 40-year-old man in a tartan miniskirt, they were probably hiding from her.
Shaun is unfazed, though. "Come to my place then," he mutters. "OK. Maybe just this time," replies Allanah, and off they go. But en route to Shaun's they take a detour down a sleazy alley.
"This is an alley, not your place," screeches perceptive Allanah. "I know," replies Shaun, "but I wanted you to help me with something first."
"I'm not that kinda girl," Allanah wails, before humorously correcting herself. "Oh, wait, yes I am!"
The sax music is getting louder. They start to kiss. "This beats math homework," crows Allanah, before getting down to the dirty.
Sex summary: Shaun might have got an A in math but obviously didn't pay much attention in biology or he would've noticed he's currently making out with a curious-looking man with breasts who's dressed like a schoolgirl. Still, he keenly sucks on Allanah's teats, even though Stephen Hawking probably has more feeling in his legs than Allanah has in her post-op nipples.
Anyway, when he gets to the crux of her matter, as it were, he carries on all the same. Which made me think: If you go home with a transsexual by mistake, what is the best reaction at the point you realise? I think I might play it cool, just so I didn't look like an idiot. Whatever his reasons, Shaun carries on. There isn't a lot to say about what follows. In short: There is some tender bend-me-over-and-fuck-me sex and reverse cowgirl (can we call it 'reverse cowboy', post-Brokeback Mountain and given the circumstances?), before they really get down to it and homeboy Shaun gets fucked hard by the 40-year-old-looking man with giganto-boobs and terrible skin. And on a sofa that squeaks with every thrust no less. The scene ends with Allanah cumming hard all over his pencil-thin goatee. Poor dude. He must be broke as fuck.
While there might not be much to say about what happens, there are lots of questions to ask. Questions such as:
- Why is Allanah's penis a different colour from the rest of her body, like meat starting to go bad?
- Who on earth left a leather sofa in the alley?
- Why does Shaun have A-list-celebrity-grade-coiffed pubic hair?
- Does anyone find brownish lube dribbling out of a man's anus arousing?
Before we move on, there's just time for Shaun and Allanah to be caught by Gia, who tells her off.
"Fuck homework! Fuck school!" flounces Allanah, like someone 35 years younger than she actually is. "I'm quitting and becoming a whore!" she thunders. And that just leaves the math to take care of. For the record: Allanah plus Shaun minus anything interesting equals rubbish.
Scene two is titled ANY FRIEND OF GIA'S IS A FRIEND OF MINE... and starts with Gia and Allanah in the living room of a house. Gia says she's going out, issuing the warning, "Don't do anything I wouldn't." I wasn't really listening, but you get the idea. No sooner has Gia left than someone knocks at the door. Allanah answers and is greeted by a libidinous homosexual. He is so gay he has a Pamela Anderson-esque barbed-wire tattoo around his bicep.
"Would you like to get to know me better?" asks Allanah, and before you know it Gia's photo is face down on the table and Allanah Starr is face down on her homosexual companion's groin. Then they swap places. Then they swap back. Allanah fucks him in his butt, then the man cums all over Allanah's absurdly inflated lips. That's it. We're done. As there's nothing more to say, I will fill the space I have left over with a practical kind of Blue Peter-type piece on How To Make Your Own Allanah Starr.
To begin, take a bargain-bin sex doll and fill it with out-of-date jelly. Then use wallpaper paste to fill two balloons to breaking point. Add a skullcap to the bottom of each balloon and glue a giant Smartie in the middle of it. Then, take your balloon-breasts and fix them to the chest area of the doll using a high-strength general adhesive.
Next, purchase two pink spacehoppers, remove the handles, or ears, if you prefer to call them that; discard three of them and keep one (you will need this later). Using the same high-strength adhesive you used to create the breasts, stick the spacehoppers together and fix them to the buttocks of the sex doll. Then take the leftover handle and fix it to the groin area of the doll, so that it bends towards the ground in a listless creepy manner.
For testes, use the empty skin of a small baked apple. Paint the body of this thing a weird orange/ tan/flesh colour and the genitals the colour of a steak on the turn. You now have your very own Allanah Starr. Do with her what you will.
The next scene is called SURPRISE SURPRISE!! and opens with Gia and Allanah being shot
(in the photographic sense) for an imaginary magazine cover.
"I think this covershoot went so well," coos Gia. "I think the pictures are going to look hot," agrees Allanah.
Seeing as how everyone is saying what they think, here are my ruminations: I think they are lying, as there is no magazine called Shabby Middle-Aged Trannie Quarterly, and any other magazine would close rather than have them appear on their cover. Unless they are doing a feature on vomiting epidemics, that is.
Anyway, Allanah asks Gia who the guy assisting the photographer is, and then they get onto the subject of Allanah's sexual promiscuity. "You're such a whore," says Gia, summing it up accurately and succinctly.
To cut a long story short, it turns out the photographer's assistant is none other than Dude With A Pussy(tm) Buck Angel, and following the classic chat-up line of, "You think I'm sexy and I think you're sexy, so why don't we have sex?" they are going at it.
I feel I should mention at this point that Buck in all his glory is shown without any warning whatsoever. One minute they are kissing, then Allanah gets her cock out to which Buck replies, "That ain't nothing. I'm a man with a pussy." Then you get to see Buck's weird genitals up close. It is 46.39 before you see Buck being fucked and you get an ultra-close-up close-up at 53.01, and it really is a sight to behold. His equipment looks like a tiny caterpillar trying to sneak out of two halves of a Creme Egg.
Buck and Allanah go at it for a while. They try most things. They both give and receive oral. They finger each other a bit. Buck fucks Allanah with a strap-on he pokes out of his black pants. Allanah fucks Buck a bit. Who knows where Allanah was when genitals were being handed out, but she got there too late and ended up with the mechanically recovered ones.
Although it's a touch surreal, it's quite appropriate that Allanah looks like a startled sex doll, because Buck looks like a Special Edition Navy SEAL Action Man, a similarity only heightened by his lack of a penis, and together they make a lovely couple. If you can suspend your disbelief for a moment, it is conceivable this is some perverted porn version of Toy Story, which now I have mentioned will probably be on the shelves before the end of the year, packaged up as Sex Toy Story or some other equally unappealing nugget of crap.
Again, there are more questions than answers. Like, why do the pair of them feel the need to have sex on a red stepladder that just happened to be in shot? Does sex get any more dangerous than fucking Allanah Starr on a stepladder? The scene's culmination comes when Buck comes out of his fake penis onto the fake breasts of the fake woman.
I am not sure if the final scene has a title, I was crying too hard to notice. I do know that at its beginning Gia promises Allanah a surprise, which turns out to be a guy called Master Tom. He looks like he frequently punctuates his monosyllabic musings on his brother's thrash band, cable TV, and WWF with the word 'dude'. He hates work and dreams of a life on the road, living out of his camper van, and probably abducting and killing lone females.
The scene is best summarised as a lot of nothing. There's some nipple torture, of which we have already covered the futility. They suck and whip each other whenever the mood takes them before bringing proceedings to a close with some synchronised jerking off.
So there you go. Our journey to trauma-enforced celibacy and waking up screaming is complete. I did mention there's no route back, didn't I? Oh, sorry. Send the therapy bills to You've Fucked My Head Up Now, LoopNode, at the usual address or hit me up in the chatroom. You know the drill... you pervert!
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